Well, that’s over

NOT!  It should be, but it’s not.  I am taking three incompletes.  I only had five classes.  And the fourth class should be an incomplete, but the teacher doesn’t care and is just giving me a grade.  So that’s nice at least.

I did finish my drawing class.  I haven’t checked yet to see what my grade is, but it should at least be a B (that’s what my midterm grade was).

As for those incompletes, I have at least 30 pages to write for various assignments.  Then, I’ll be done!  Now if only I could work on it and make progress…

In less than a week, I’ll be starting staff training at camp.  That should be fun.  I’m excited about it.  But I’m also kind of worried that I won’t feel better and won’t be able to do stuff.  But I’m already feeling better now that school stuff is figured out, so I guess that’s a good sign.

Today is the next day after I started writing this.  This morning, my grandma called.  Grandpa is in the hospital, something with his heart.  I think he will be okay, but it is a reminder that they’re getting older and won’t be around forever.

My brother has a new summer job working at a park, doing maintenance stuff.  He’s happy to be making money, but not excited that warmer weather is coming.

Also, there was devastating weather in Oklahoma yesterday.  I’m sure you’ve already heard about it, at least if you’re in the U.S.

I had a good day yesterday.  I started collaging a small box with drawers that my parents got me for Christmas.  Two sides are done.  It was fun.  I’ll probably work on it more tomorrow.

Tonight, I’m babysitting.  That should be fun.  And give me a bit of money for preparing for camp.

The ceiling fan is on.  It is shaking.  It always does that, so I guess it’s probably not going to fall down.

I’ve started playing Lost in Blue on DS again.  And some other games.  It gives me something to do.  Not that I don’t have anything to do, but it’s easy and doesn’t require a lot of effort or movement.  I just wish I knew where my DS and Pokemon game are; then, I’d play that, ’cause Pokemon is fun.

Guess I don’t really have anything else to tell you right now.  I think I’ll play some games and maybe work on my box before I go babysitting.

Not one semester

I haven’t gone one semester without issues.  Those four years for my first degree were full of problems.  Last semester, I had to drop art metals.  This semester, I’m taking an incomplete for contemporary art.  I’m tired of this.

Hopefully, I can finish all the work for the rest of my classes before Thursday.  I just have so much to do.  And I’m so bad at doing it.

At least my professors have been nice and accommodating.

Let’s see…what do I have to do?  Well, I have to finish my giant drawing (mostly just erasing and fixing stuff) and assemble my portfolio for this afternoon.  Then, for tomorrow, I have to write a reflection and email it with another reflection to my teacher.  I also have a short paper for that class due tomorrow (really, due last week).  Then, for Thursday, I have to finish making a video, take a test in which I have to explain every answer, write a paper, write another paper, and assemble a portfolio.  Should be super fun!

I don’t really even have anything to write.

Things I learned in School Today

School is, basically, a game.  At least, that’s what I got out of the presentation.  I think the point was that games are better than school, but, based on my experiences, school matched his definition of a game.  So….yeah…..

Also, overmedication for ADHD is a huge problem.  Now, I’m not going to say it isn’t, but what I will say is that there are a lot of kids who do benefit from medication.  Yes, there are cases of improper use, but making broad generalizations stating that it shouldn’t be used ever and is really not for the kids, is, frankly, stupid.

Also, debate club in high school must be really easy.  ‘Cause these kids in my class who claim to be champions aren’t very great.  Well, I guess the one was good at reading quotes quickly…but that was about it.

We had presentations in two of my three education classes today.  It was, overall, not very exciting or purposeful.  I could have stayed home and slept.  But that would have been bad.  And I need to talk to my professor about my late papers.  So…guess it’s good that I’m here.

Going back to the ADHD med guy, one of his main reasons for not medicating kids was that then they can’t “be themselves.”  This brings up an interesting discussion that I don’t think he was meaning to get at.  Should anyone be medicated?  Does being on medication mean you’re not yourself?  Am I not myself because I take medication?  Who am I?  Am I supposed to be depressed and anxious and unable to function?  Or maybe the medication gets other things out of the way so that I can be myself.  Or maybe something in between.

Personally, I’m depressed and anxious enough on meds; I don’t think I would “be myself” if I were more depressed.  Then again, how do we define who we are?  Maybe being myself isn’t desirable.  Maybe the meds help me be myself, or maybe they make me “someone else.”  Or, maybe I’m myself whether or not I’m on meds.  After all, they become a part of me.

Really, saying no one can benefit from ADHD meds, or any meds, bothers me.  A lot.  I couldn’t sit through his presentation very easily, because I was upset by the implications of his generalizations and his lack of understanding.  But whatever.  There was no time for me to ask a question or anything (not that I would have), so it’s over now.  I’m probably the only person who will think about that presentation.

In an hour and a half, classes will be over, and it will be time for me to talk to my teacher.  I don’t know…I don’t know what to do or ask her or say.  I just know I haven’t been able to do the assignments and don’t know when I’ll be able to.

I have a drawing due tomorrow.  I haven’t started it yet.  Guess that’s what I’ll be doing tonight.  Even though I’d rather not.  There’s just so much to do and it’s so unnecessary.

Can’t I just give up now?

I have so much work to do.  I do not like it.

Yesterday, my friend messaged me on Facebook, saying she was depressed and had a bunch of work to do.  So we talked and encouraged each other and we actually got some work done.  Well, I wrote two pages in an hour, which was good, but that’s pretty much where my productivity stopped.  I still have to write at least three pages for that paper, plus a bunch of others.  I also have to make a video.  I did recording for that last night, since I couldn’t get any writing done.  That was good, I guess, but there’s so much to do.  Today, in my six hours between classes, I will try to write some papers and work on the video.  I’m already feeling super anxious, so I doubt that’s going to go well.  More likely, I’ll just sit here and not get anything done.

Right now, I am going to get something done.  I’m going to write the voiceovers for my video.  Basically, my video has two parts:  a breathing exercise to kind of give viewers a sense of what anxiety can feel like, and the video of me doing nothing while Matchbox 20’s Unwell plays.  That part, I think, will also flash statistics of mental illness, especially anxiety in kids (it’s for my education class), and have some voiceovers of me saying things that kind of give a glimpse of what I think about sometimes.  It’s sort of a performance art/public service announcement, ideally.  I’m really nervous about it because I don’t know how my classmates will receive it, but I think it will be okay and I don’t have to deal with them after this semester if I don’t choose to, probably, so that makes it a little better.

Anyway, I’m thinking of doing snippets of voice during the song, layering the audio and visual components to sort of reflect how there’s always so much going on in my mind.  I guess I’m trying to give them the feeling of being overwhelmed while not detracting from the message.  What’s the message?  I guess I’m just trying to bring awareness to mental health issues so that they can be sympathetic to students who are suffering and not make it worse.

So I’m going to type snippets now…yeah…I was also looking back through some blog entries for quotes, but I didn’t like doing that too much and it takes a while, so I think I’ll stick to this process.

I don’t know.  I just don’t know anything.  Except I do.  I know a lot.  I just feel like I don’t.

I’m stuck.  I can’t do anything.  I want to, but I can’t.  I can’t decide what to do or how to do it.  There are just too many options, too many possibilities.  I’m stuck, even when I know what to do and how to do it.  I know exactly what I want to get done, I just can’t.

I sit here for hours, doing nothing.  This is not fun.  This is not relaxing.  This is horrible.  This is painful.  This is not productive or comfortable or desirable.  This is pathetic.  I am pathetic.

I am hopelessly depressed, inexplicably anxious, and painfully aware of the ridiculousness of it all.

When I see you, my first thought is not to say hi.  It’s to hide.  To get away so that I don’t have to interact, so that I’m not expected to talk to you or look at you or have you look at me.  It’s not that I don’t like you, ’cause I do.  It’s just that it hurts me to say hello.  It’s just that I feel like I don’t know what to do and I’m afraid of doing something not right.  I’m afraid of hurting you and of you hurting me, so I avoid you.  It’s just better that way.

Well, with what I already had, that’s a page of typing.  Should be enough for snippets in my less than four minute song.

I emailed one of my professors, the one who teaches the class the video’s for, about not presenting it tomorrow, but on Thursday instead.  She said we can push it back however much I need.  So at least that’s good and I don’t have to worry about it too much.  Now, I just get to worry about it because that’s what I do.  And I can worry about everything else, because it is due (or overdue)…yay.

I’m so lucky

I just don’t feel it.  I know I am.  I just don’t express it.  Even if I do express it, I don’t feel it.  I feel horrible.  I feel like my life is crashing around me, even though I know it’s not.  And I can’t make it feel better.

It’s a difficult thing, having feelings and thoughts not match.  I often wonder how other people think and feel.  I know I’m not the only one to experience this, but what about those people whose thoughts and feelings match?  How do they function?  Much better than me, I suppose.  Not having to constantly remind themselves that the world is not, in fact, coming to an end.  That everyone doesn’t hate them.  To just wake up not even having to think about whether you’ll be able to make it through the day without wanting to cry for no reason.  To just wake up and not have to think about things you don’t want to think about.  It must be nice.

I had two papers due for two classes taught by the same professor yesterday.  I have a poorly written paragraph done for one.  That’s all.  I was able to write my teacher an email explaining the circumstances, and she’s agreed to accept the papers late.  Not everyone who doesn’t finish their papers get to turn them in late.  I’m lucky.  I suppose I’m happy that I have another chance, but I still feel bad.  I don’t feel relieved.

I have so much to do before the end of the semester in two weeks.  I have papers and projects and lots of stuff, plus my house is a mess and I really should clean up my stuff.  I would feel better if I did.  Maybe.  And I’d be able to work better.  Maybe.  But it’s just so hard.

I think I’m going to go to my volunteer position now.  I’ll be early, but I guess that’s better than sitting here complaining.  I don’t know what art project we’ll do today.  I have lots of ideas, so I guess I’ll see if they got any new supplies and then decide.

After volunteering, I’ll Skype with my cousins for their art lesson.  That will be good.  I like them.  Then, I’ll have to do homework, because there’s so much of it to do.  It will never be done, it seems.  I should probably just give up.  But apparently I’m not allowed to do that, according to my mother.  Giving up is not an option.  Fine.  Be that way.  See if I care.  I do care.  I care too much.  It hurts.

I guess I’ll go now.  Hopefully, I feel better later.  But probably not.  That’s just how it is.

I already wrote this

but it wouldn’t let me post (“unauthorized”), so I copied and pasted into a new window, published, closed the tab…and then realized that it only posted the first paragraph.  Now, I get to rewrite everything.  Oh joy.

It’s okay though, because I realized my computer needs to charge and the spot next to the outlet was open, so I took advantage of that.  Now, I need to wait for it to charge so that I can go to advising and show them what classes I want to take.  I should have gone an hour ago (it’s walk-in, so I don’t have a specific appointment time), but I didn’t.  Hopefully, there isn’t too long of a line and I’m able to get through it quickly and get to my volunteering position on time.

Today, we’re going to print tulips with forks.  I found it on the internet and it’s springy and at the clients’ level, so that’s what I’m doing.  After I’m done there, I’m going home.  And then, the fun starts.  I’ll be Skyping with my cousin and some amount of her five kids for our first virtual art lesson (she homeschools, I help).  I’ve made a website and everything.  It’s going to be AWESOME!!!!!!!  I’m a little bit excited; can you tell?

It’s really sunny in this spot next to the outlet.  That makes it difficult to see the screen.  Oh well, that’s what I get for being an art major in an art building that doesn’t have a lot of outlets, I guess.  ‘Cause, you know, I totally choose my schools based on electricity accessibility.

I’ve already forgotten most of what I wrote about earlier.  Oh well.  I think I’ll record thoughts on my drive home (by talking to a recorder) and then type them up later.  I do that now.  It’s helpful for homework, I’ve discovered.  I’ve written two things that way, and it makes it way easier for me.  Who knew driving could be so productive?

I guess I’ll be done here for now.  Maybe I’ll write more later, about my application to the college of education and my interesting class discussions.  Or maybe I won’t.  I don’t know yet.

An Assignment

Hello friends and random internet people!  I have an assignment that I need your help with.  Really, I don’t need your help; I need the help of the blogging format.  It seems to make these sorts of things easier for me.  (Your ideas are also appreciated.)

The assignment is for a diversity in education class.  I am supposed to make a video that tells a compelling story (not a scrapbook) of my life, or part of it, and relates to course concepts.  The problem is that I don’t think my life is very interesting.  Sure, I’ve been blogging about it for years, sometimes quite frequently, but those posts aren’t interesting.  I honestly do not know why people read them.  They’re not about anything.  They’re not a story.  They’re just…there.

So what I’m going to try to do is just write up some thoughts or segments of thoughts and try to blend them together into a narrative of some sort, hopefully.

Share a compelling story about yourself, she says, as if everyone has a compelling story to share.  No problem, I think, except for one tiny detail:  I am not interesting.  My life is simply not a book someone would stay awake late to finish.  It’s just not.

But everyone is interesting in their own unique way, they say.  Maybe.  Except for me.  I have good reason to be uninteresting:  I have spent much of my life doing nothing.  I literally sit and stare at walls or sleep for days.  This does not make for a very interesting life.  I’m sorry, but it’s true.

Perhaps the reasons behind my lack of activity are more interesting, but they are not me.  I am chronically, majorly, hopelessly depressed.  I am almost constantly filled with anxiety.  I take inordinate amounts of time to count, balance, and repeat things.  It is ridiculous, and probably interesting to the right sorts of people, but their interest is not in me.  Their interest may be in something that often dictates my life, but it is not my life.  It is not what makes me a compelling person.  At least, it would not be what makes me compelling if my life were actually interesting.

So what kind of story does a person as uninteresting as me have to share?  To be honest, I don’t really know.  I could tell you a grand tale of misery and solitude, perhaps even of modest triumphs here and there, but that’s not my style.  I honestly feel that nothing in my life is worthy of a three-minute video.  I don’t even know if there’s enough in my life to make a three-minute video, other than some piece of conceptual art featuring a girl staring at a wall in silence for three minutes.  Maybe that would be interesting to the right sorts of people, but the right sorts of people would never see it because it would never be featured in the Guggenheim.  And the sorts of people who would spend two seconds watching it would be the sorts of people who get bored and don’t “get” it.  They would probably complain about it being pointless and uninteresting.  And they would probably be right.

Instead of showing you a silent film of the oh-so-exciting wall-staring pastime that is sweeping the nation, I will attempt to tell you a story.  It is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world and while she looked so sad in photographs….that’s been done before, hasn’t it?

Someone has just come up and wants to study for our drawing midterm because I was smart enough to bring the book with me.  I guess I will do that, since studying is generally a good idea, and I’ll work on this more later.

A Runny Nose

I am not feeling well.  Yesterday, I did not go to classes.  I’m feeling a bit better today, but my nose is icky and my throat hurts, especially when I yawn.

I realized I haven’t posted in 10 days, so I figured I’d post an update now.  However, there are only 15 minutes left before class begins, so it might be a bit short.  Also, I don’t really have anything in particular to write about.

Let’s see…I have homework to do…that’s pretty much all that I do.  Tonight, my educational philosophy is due.  Next week, I have my drawing midterm portfolio review and a contemporary art museum presentation.  I also have notes and things like that, field work at a high school, a video to work on, and lots of other stuff.  Should be fun.

This weekend, I’m doing the children’s sermon at my church, which I’m looking forward to.  I’m giving all the kids friendship bracelets.  I’ll also be teaching Sunday school to my preschool class.  We’re starting a new unit on creation, which I think they’ll enjoy.  That’s what we’re talking about for the rest of the school year, so I hope they like it.  The last few weeks are going to be different activity things with the whole church, but the first five will be regular classes.  This week, I think we’ll read the creation story from our story Bible and play with playdough and maybe do a game or song or something, depending on their interest levels and which kids show up.

Tomorrow, I’m going to Goodwill again.  I think we’ll do a painting of a snowstorm.  They’ll like that.  I’m still struggling to find ideas for appropriate activities for them online, but toddler sites seem to be applicable.  I think this is sad.  Adults are not children, even if they have the “same” cognitive functioning.  Also, adults with sensory issues do not generally want to be covered in paint, something many toddler activities encourage.  Plus, cleaning paint off a large adult’s feet is difficult and unnecessarily messy.  I think I may need to start a site of ideas and resources, but I don’t know that I really have the time to keep that up, or even start.  So, for now, I have a Pinterest board with a few toddler activities that might work.

Well, class is about to start, so I’ll post later.

52 and what’s new

So this is my 52nd post on this blog.  Woo hoo!  I was going to post a Yay 50 post, but I missed it.  Oh well.

I don’t really know what to write about…how about what’s new (since my lack of writing points is obviously not).

Well, let’s take a journey into the dating life of a sheep (that’s me).  Basically, it’s nonexistent.  But recently, after a fairly uneventful two years on a dating site, men have been contacting me more and actually talking to me more than once.  How intriguing.  Of course, there are those who are just stupid, but a couple seem reasonable enough.  We’ll see where this goes.  At the very least, it’s somewhat entertaining and gives me someone besides you to type to between classes.

Speaking of classes, I just did an assignment for my drawing class.  It was another self portrait that I left until the last minute (I started it this morning; it’s due this afternoon).  It’s not great, or even good, but it’s done-ish, and that’s good enough for me for now at least.  Maybe seeing other people’s drawings will give me ideas on how to finish it.  Part of the problem is that I couldn’t get very dramatic light, so I’ll have to try to fix that for next time.  The other part of the problem is I don’t like self portraits.  Guess I have to get over that.

Tomorrow, I start my fieldwork in a real life art room!  I get to take notes! Yay!  Then, Thursday, I have a paper for one of my education classes due.  I haven’t started it yet; just observation and notes.  Sense a theme of procrastination?  Noooooooo…

For that paper, I went to the mall with the 12 year old girl I started babysitting 9 years ago and one of her friends.  It was actually somewhat enjoyable, but then they’re not very dramatic kids and were on their best behavior.  We stopped in Aeropostale twice.  Apparently, it’s cool.

Then, I interviewed her and her mom for my paper.  Then, before I left, I played Skylanders on the Wii with her brother, ’cause he asked me to.  It was pretty neat.  He beat me 2/3 times.  (But that means I won once!)

I guess that’s about it for now.  S’pose I’ll try to do some homework…maybe work on that paper…

Dr. Phil, Feminism, and Hands

In two of my classes this week, we’re talking about gender and related topics.  One, an education class, is about diversity and differences in education.  The other, contemporary art, is about feminism in art, starting in the ’60s and ’70s (although we touched on earlier movements a bit, they aren’t as key in the visual arts).  Of course, this has me thinking more than I usually do about social justice.  Really, I think about it a lot, but now it’s a lot a lot.

My assignment for the education class was to make a poster about the female gender, stereotypes, expectations, etc.  With only Time, National Geographic, and a few AARPs and AAAs, I had no problem filling the posterboard with images and words cut from the pages of these admired magazines.  At first, I thought I might have a problem, because they don’t have the typical models and fashion ads and sex tips that other magazines do (Cosmo, anyone?).  Well, I worried for no reason.  They were full of plenty of images of women, though rarely in “important” roles like the men they featured.  Women, in the ads and articles, were portrayed as emotional, needy, pretty, caretakers, and, well, feminine.  Other posters from the women in the class (the men are presenting theirs tomorrow) included similar themes, along with more overt sexual images and language.  The men in the class mostly seemed to realize that this could be a problem, especially after reading some articles about girls and education.  However, one man continuously made comments about how he was “enjoying the view” and liked the posters.  I found this offensive, but he was too far away for me to say anything directly.  I think, however, that I will talk to the (female) professor and ask her to address such situations immediately in the future.  We had another comment earlier in the semester from a woman in the class, speaking about Toddlers and Tiaras, saying that the dad was “supposedly not gay” and implying that, in fact, you could tell someone was lying about their sexual orientation through a TLC show and that only gay men could encourage their daughters in beauty pageants.  This, I thought, was a bit of a problem, but everybody let it slide and the professor kept talking.  Next time, I will speak up, I think (though it’s hard for me to do with my psych issues; I’d rather just blog about it).

Oh, the hands in the title.  The professor of my art class today, after a brief discussion of feminism, asked if anyone identified themselves as being feminist.  No hands were raised.  Later, after some more explanation and a bit of a “if you’re not with us, you’re against us” attitude, everyone’s hands raised.  The most surprising part to me was that the class is all women, except for one man who, after prodding, joined the class as a feminist (even before some of the women did).

Why wouldn’t someone want to identify as a feminist?  Because the group is wrong, of course.  At least, it is according to this opinion piece on the Fox New website (which, by the way, is absolutely ridiculous).

Last night, driving home from school, the radio was on.  I was kind of listening, and an ad for Dr. Phil came on.  It was about a woman and her sister (we’ll call them A and B for clarity).  Well, A, apparently, had relationships with men.  B, apparently, liked to ruin them by having sex with the men.  Eventually, A got married.  B moved in with A and her husband.  And then B had sex with the husband.  Multiple times.  And all Dr. Phil had to say about it (at least on the ad; I didn’t watch the show) was that maybe the sisters needed some distance.  The way it was presented implied that it was all B’s fault.  What about the men?  They do tend to have control of whether or not they have sex with someone (sure, B could be a serial rapist, but that’s highly unlikely and should have been mentioned if the sex wasn’t consensual).

This brings light (though dim) to an issue that pervades our culture:  the idea that “boys will be boys” and that men have no control over their sexual practices, that it’s always the woman’s responsibility to make sure a condom is on, that rape victims are “asking for it” by what they wear (except in rare, hypothetical situations of rape fantasy, this is simply a stupid and harmful idea, at best).

That’s really a bad ending, but I don’t have anything else to say right now.  I’ll be back, though, don’t worry.  And I’ll certainly have more to say.