I’m Mr. Lonely…

…errr…Miss Lonely, but that’s not the name of the song.

It’s been about a month since I last typed here, though it doesn’t seem like that to me. I’ve never had a great sense of the passing of time. Nothing much has changed, but I have, just within the last few days, had a bit of a realization. I mean, it’s not something that was particularly mysterious or difficult to figure out or surprising, and I really did know it before, but now…I identify with it more and am more consistently cognizant of it, I guess. Or, maybe it’s more important now.

I’m lonely.

I, the shy introvert with social anxiety, who is almost never alone, am very lonely.

I’m also homesick, though I’m home. I don’t know what else to call it. It’s a feeling I used to have somewhat frequently, that I just want to go home (even if/when I’m already there). It’s not really about being home, but having some level of comfort/belonging/something I can’t quite name. It’s not as much a thing as the loneliness, but it’s there. They work together, I think, making this vague, ambivalent, apathetic haze that is my life right now. Fun times.

It’s not as bad as that description makes it sound, I suppose (though I can’t tell how you interpret the words; maybe you think it sounds lovely). I’m okay. It’s just…kind of empty, in an unnecessary but still lacking a simple, direct route to fulfillment sort of way.

Lately, I’ve found myself drawn to stories that are not my typical fare (not that that means much considering my eclectic choices, but still). Binge listening to teen “dystopian” novels that are more “maximum predictability and stereotypes about love of all kinds and pretend struggles with little actual excitement or development of any character/world/plot” than interesting stories. And a Disney Channel show. Because why not…or because somehow it’s comforting and escapist…but still not really what I want (and not only because I’m much, much closer to 30 than the 13 these things are created for).

I want hugs. I want people who want to play games with me, or get ice cream together, or hang out at a bookstore or talk about nothing and everything for hours because ideas are grand. I want regular interaction in person with people I like (who aren’t my family or people I have appointments with or children I’m lucky enough to teach 60 minutes a week). Even just one person.
I want to do things, actually feel like I accomplished something or had fun by the end of the day more often than not. I want to stop feeling like I’m just floating through life unattached to it, desperate for some sort of grounded feeling, lacking connection and meaning and interest and passion and direction. Also, more hugs. Hugs are wonderful.

How this is accomplished…I haven’t a clue. Well, maybe one, but three clues are needed before sitting down in the Thinking Chair to figure it out. (Blue’s Clues references are a thing people get, right?) I still feel this when I’m with people and doing things. When I worked at camp, I lived with 20-30 people for 11 weeks. We were close (well, some of us). But even then, I often felt lonely. Living with roommates and hall neighbors/good friends in college wasn’t much different. At least there was hope and occasional reprieve then.

I went to my best friend from kindergarten’s wedding reception this weekend, and actually had a fairly lovely time in spite of the number of people there I didn’t know. Mostly, another friend, her boyfriend (who I hadn’t met before and who I actually conversed with without increased anxiety, ’cause I can sometimes do that now), and I played some games, ate food, and developed a theory about dads in the ’80s/’90s in which any that didn’t have Tom Selleck-style mustaches were probably aliens (and we talked with the bride, of course). That was nice. I want more of that, but I don’t have access to it. Even ignoring the current physical issues that keep me from doing some stuff, I’m not driving and there’s no public transit or taxi or sidewalks or Uber/Lyft to get me to places to do things and meet people (or go to places where I already know people). Plus that whole social anxiety thing is still a thing.

So, that’s life it seems. It’s really not too bad, all things considered. Thanks for reading what became a bit sadder of a rambling than I planned…well, okay, I didn’t really plan anything.

Well, that’s over

NOT!  It should be, but it’s not.  I am taking three incompletes.  I only had five classes.  And the fourth class should be an incomplete, but the teacher doesn’t care and is just giving me a grade.  So that’s nice at least.

I did finish my drawing class.  I haven’t checked yet to see what my grade is, but it should at least be a B (that’s what my midterm grade was).

As for those incompletes, I have at least 30 pages to write for various assignments.  Then, I’ll be done!  Now if only I could work on it and make progress…

In less than a week, I’ll be starting staff training at camp.  That should be fun.  I’m excited about it.  But I’m also kind of worried that I won’t feel better and won’t be able to do stuff.  But I’m already feeling better now that school stuff is figured out, so I guess that’s a good sign.

Today is the next day after I started writing this.  This morning, my grandma called.  Grandpa is in the hospital, something with his heart.  I think he will be okay, but it is a reminder that they’re getting older and won’t be around forever.

My brother has a new summer job working at a park, doing maintenance stuff.  He’s happy to be making money, but not excited that warmer weather is coming.

Also, there was devastating weather in Oklahoma yesterday.  I’m sure you’ve already heard about it, at least if you’re in the U.S.

I had a good day yesterday.  I started collaging a small box with drawers that my parents got me for Christmas.  Two sides are done.  It was fun.  I’ll probably work on it more tomorrow.

Tonight, I’m babysitting.  That should be fun.  And give me a bit of money for preparing for camp.

The ceiling fan is on.  It is shaking.  It always does that, so I guess it’s probably not going to fall down.

I’ve started playing Lost in Blue on DS again.  And some other games.  It gives me something to do.  Not that I don’t have anything to do, but it’s easy and doesn’t require a lot of effort or movement.  I just wish I knew where my DS and Pokemon game are; then, I’d play that, ’cause Pokemon is fun.

Guess I don’t really have anything else to tell you right now.  I think I’ll play some games and maybe work on my box before I go babysitting.

Not one semester

I haven’t gone one semester without issues.  Those four years for my first degree were full of problems.  Last semester, I had to drop art metals.  This semester, I’m taking an incomplete for contemporary art.  I’m tired of this.

Hopefully, I can finish all the work for the rest of my classes before Thursday.  I just have so much to do.  And I’m so bad at doing it.

At least my professors have been nice and accommodating.

Let’s see…what do I have to do?  Well, I have to finish my giant drawing (mostly just erasing and fixing stuff) and assemble my portfolio for this afternoon.  Then, for tomorrow, I have to write a reflection and email it with another reflection to my teacher.  I also have a short paper for that class due tomorrow (really, due last week).  Then, for Thursday, I have to finish making a video, take a test in which I have to explain every answer, write a paper, write another paper, and assemble a portfolio.  Should be super fun!

I don’t really even have anything to write.

Things I learned in School Today

School is, basically, a game.  At least, that’s what I got out of the presentation.  I think the point was that games are better than school, but, based on my experiences, school matched his definition of a game.  So….yeah…..

Also, overmedication for ADHD is a huge problem.  Now, I’m not going to say it isn’t, but what I will say is that there are a lot of kids who do benefit from medication.  Yes, there are cases of improper use, but making broad generalizations stating that it shouldn’t be used ever and is really not for the kids, is, frankly, stupid.

Also, debate club in high school must be really easy.  ‘Cause these kids in my class who claim to be champions aren’t very great.  Well, I guess the one was good at reading quotes quickly…but that was about it.

We had presentations in two of my three education classes today.  It was, overall, not very exciting or purposeful.  I could have stayed home and slept.  But that would have been bad.  And I need to talk to my professor about my late papers.  So…guess it’s good that I’m here.

Going back to the ADHD med guy, one of his main reasons for not medicating kids was that then they can’t “be themselves.”  This brings up an interesting discussion that I don’t think he was meaning to get at.  Should anyone be medicated?  Does being on medication mean you’re not yourself?  Am I not myself because I take medication?  Who am I?  Am I supposed to be depressed and anxious and unable to function?  Or maybe the medication gets other things out of the way so that I can be myself.  Or maybe something in between.

Personally, I’m depressed and anxious enough on meds; I don’t think I would “be myself” if I were more depressed.  Then again, how do we define who we are?  Maybe being myself isn’t desirable.  Maybe the meds help me be myself, or maybe they make me “someone else.”  Or, maybe I’m myself whether or not I’m on meds.  After all, they become a part of me.

Really, saying no one can benefit from ADHD meds, or any meds, bothers me.  A lot.  I couldn’t sit through his presentation very easily, because I was upset by the implications of his generalizations and his lack of understanding.  But whatever.  There was no time for me to ask a question or anything (not that I would have), so it’s over now.  I’m probably the only person who will think about that presentation.

In an hour and a half, classes will be over, and it will be time for me to talk to my teacher.  I don’t know…I don’t know what to do or ask her or say.  I just know I haven’t been able to do the assignments and don’t know when I’ll be able to.

I have a drawing due tomorrow.  I haven’t started it yet.  Guess that’s what I’ll be doing tonight.  Even though I’d rather not.  There’s just so much to do and it’s so unnecessary.

Can’t I just give up now?

I have so much work to do.  I do not like it.

Yesterday, my friend messaged me on Facebook, saying she was depressed and had a bunch of work to do.  So we talked and encouraged each other and we actually got some work done.  Well, I wrote two pages in an hour, which was good, but that’s pretty much where my productivity stopped.  I still have to write at least three pages for that paper, plus a bunch of others.  I also have to make a video.  I did recording for that last night, since I couldn’t get any writing done.  That was good, I guess, but there’s so much to do.  Today, in my six hours between classes, I will try to write some papers and work on the video.  I’m already feeling super anxious, so I doubt that’s going to go well.  More likely, I’ll just sit here and not get anything done.

Right now, I am going to get something done.  I’m going to write the voiceovers for my video.  Basically, my video has two parts:  a breathing exercise to kind of give viewers a sense of what anxiety can feel like, and the video of me doing nothing while Matchbox 20’s Unwell plays.  That part, I think, will also flash statistics of mental illness, especially anxiety in kids (it’s for my education class), and have some voiceovers of me saying things that kind of give a glimpse of what I think about sometimes.  It’s sort of a performance art/public service announcement, ideally.  I’m really nervous about it because I don’t know how my classmates will receive it, but I think it will be okay and I don’t have to deal with them after this semester if I don’t choose to, probably, so that makes it a little better.

Anyway, I’m thinking of doing snippets of voice during the song, layering the audio and visual components to sort of reflect how there’s always so much going on in my mind.  I guess I’m trying to give them the feeling of being overwhelmed while not detracting from the message.  What’s the message?  I guess I’m just trying to bring awareness to mental health issues so that they can be sympathetic to students who are suffering and not make it worse.

So I’m going to type snippets now…yeah…I was also looking back through some blog entries for quotes, but I didn’t like doing that too much and it takes a while, so I think I’ll stick to this process.

I don’t know.  I just don’t know anything.  Except I do.  I know a lot.  I just feel like I don’t.

I’m stuck.  I can’t do anything.  I want to, but I can’t.  I can’t decide what to do or how to do it.  There are just too many options, too many possibilities.  I’m stuck, even when I know what to do and how to do it.  I know exactly what I want to get done, I just can’t.

I sit here for hours, doing nothing.  This is not fun.  This is not relaxing.  This is horrible.  This is painful.  This is not productive or comfortable or desirable.  This is pathetic.  I am pathetic.

I am hopelessly depressed, inexplicably anxious, and painfully aware of the ridiculousness of it all.

When I see you, my first thought is not to say hi.  It’s to hide.  To get away so that I don’t have to interact, so that I’m not expected to talk to you or look at you or have you look at me.  It’s not that I don’t like you, ’cause I do.  It’s just that it hurts me to say hello.  It’s just that I feel like I don’t know what to do and I’m afraid of doing something not right.  I’m afraid of hurting you and of you hurting me, so I avoid you.  It’s just better that way.

Well, with what I already had, that’s a page of typing.  Should be enough for snippets in my less than four minute song.

I emailed one of my professors, the one who teaches the class the video’s for, about not presenting it tomorrow, but on Thursday instead.  She said we can push it back however much I need.  So at least that’s good and I don’t have to worry about it too much.  Now, I just get to worry about it because that’s what I do.  And I can worry about everything else, because it is due (or overdue)…yay.

I’m so lucky

I just don’t feel it.  I know I am.  I just don’t express it.  Even if I do express it, I don’t feel it.  I feel horrible.  I feel like my life is crashing around me, even though I know it’s not.  And I can’t make it feel better.

It’s a difficult thing, having feelings and thoughts not match.  I often wonder how other people think and feel.  I know I’m not the only one to experience this, but what about those people whose thoughts and feelings match?  How do they function?  Much better than me, I suppose.  Not having to constantly remind themselves that the world is not, in fact, coming to an end.  That everyone doesn’t hate them.  To just wake up not even having to think about whether you’ll be able to make it through the day without wanting to cry for no reason.  To just wake up and not have to think about things you don’t want to think about.  It must be nice.

I had two papers due for two classes taught by the same professor yesterday.  I have a poorly written paragraph done for one.  That’s all.  I was able to write my teacher an email explaining the circumstances, and she’s agreed to accept the papers late.  Not everyone who doesn’t finish their papers get to turn them in late.  I’m lucky.  I suppose I’m happy that I have another chance, but I still feel bad.  I don’t feel relieved.

I have so much to do before the end of the semester in two weeks.  I have papers and projects and lots of stuff, plus my house is a mess and I really should clean up my stuff.  I would feel better if I did.  Maybe.  And I’d be able to work better.  Maybe.  But it’s just so hard.

I think I’m going to go to my volunteer position now.  I’ll be early, but I guess that’s better than sitting here complaining.  I don’t know what art project we’ll do today.  I have lots of ideas, so I guess I’ll see if they got any new supplies and then decide.

After volunteering, I’ll Skype with my cousins for their art lesson.  That will be good.  I like them.  Then, I’ll have to do homework, because there’s so much of it to do.  It will never be done, it seems.  I should probably just give up.  But apparently I’m not allowed to do that, according to my mother.  Giving up is not an option.  Fine.  Be that way.  See if I care.  I do care.  I care too much.  It hurts.

I guess I’ll go now.  Hopefully, I feel better later.  But probably not.  That’s just how it is.

I didn’t go to class this morning

I was far too tired for driving to be safe, so I stayed home.  I will go to my afternoon class in about 40 minutes.

I am also feeling very anxious for no apparent reason.  Yesterday, I was feeling very depressed, almost to the point of having tears streaming down my face, which hasn’t happened in a while.  I try to do everything I’ve been taught, all the healthy coping skills and breathing exercises and what not, but it doesn’t help.  It doesn’t get better.  And I don’t like it.

My psychiatrist was in a car accident and is closing his practice so he can recover.  I have about a month of meds left, but I need to find a new doctor.  I also need a doctor to write a note or something for school so that I can substitute another class for art metals, because I am certainly not taking it again, even though it’s required for my degree.

The semester will be over soon.  Then, I will be at camp.  That should be fun.  At least, parts of it will be.  I’m not in a very hopeful mood right now, so I’m not even close to thinking that everything will be better over the summer, though I’ve certainly had those thoughts at other points in time.

Last week, I started a post, but I didn’t get very far or really say anything.  I just couldn’t decide where to start.  Some of the stuff I was going to write about was going to maybe be happyish.  Well, not today.  Oh well.

The worst part is, I don’t know why.  If I knew why, maybe I could fix it.  I do everything I’m told to do to make it feel better, but it just doesn’t work.  Sure, there are moments that are fun or happy, like when I was coloring and gardening with little kids yesterday, but it’s still there.  Always.  If I stop, just for a moment, it gets worse, and then it’s hard to restart whatever I was doing.

I’m so indecisive.  I can’t choose what clothes to wear or what to do, so sometimes I just sit on the couch half-clothed and stare and think and worry.  But, of course, I resist any suggestions anyone gives me to try to help.  Oh, you’re bored?  Why don’t you play with the dog?  Or make a Mother’s Day card?  Nope…there’s something wrong with every idea.

I am kind of hungry.  I would like some ice cream, but I don’t think there is any in the freezer.  I guess I could stop at McDonald’s or something on the way to school.  But that’s maybe too much social activity right now.  I don’t know.  I don’t know anything.

I still have 20 minutes before I need to leave, and I do have much more I could write, but I feel like nobody would want to read it anyway, so why bother.  I guess I’ll try to find something to do, like work on homework or something.  But, probably, I won’t.  And I’ll just sit here, idly clicking and refreshing tabs, hoping for something to happen or someone to talk to me.

An Assignment

Hello friends and random internet people!  I have an assignment that I need your help with.  Really, I don’t need your help; I need the help of the blogging format.  It seems to make these sorts of things easier for me.  (Your ideas are also appreciated.)

The assignment is for a diversity in education class.  I am supposed to make a video that tells a compelling story (not a scrapbook) of my life, or part of it, and relates to course concepts.  The problem is that I don’t think my life is very interesting.  Sure, I’ve been blogging about it for years, sometimes quite frequently, but those posts aren’t interesting.  I honestly do not know why people read them.  They’re not about anything.  They’re not a story.  They’re just…there.

So what I’m going to try to do is just write up some thoughts or segments of thoughts and try to blend them together into a narrative of some sort, hopefully.

Share a compelling story about yourself, she says, as if everyone has a compelling story to share.  No problem, I think, except for one tiny detail:  I am not interesting.  My life is simply not a book someone would stay awake late to finish.  It’s just not.

But everyone is interesting in their own unique way, they say.  Maybe.  Except for me.  I have good reason to be uninteresting:  I have spent much of my life doing nothing.  I literally sit and stare at walls or sleep for days.  This does not make for a very interesting life.  I’m sorry, but it’s true.

Perhaps the reasons behind my lack of activity are more interesting, but they are not me.  I am chronically, majorly, hopelessly depressed.  I am almost constantly filled with anxiety.  I take inordinate amounts of time to count, balance, and repeat things.  It is ridiculous, and probably interesting to the right sorts of people, but their interest is not in me.  Their interest may be in something that often dictates my life, but it is not my life.  It is not what makes me a compelling person.  At least, it would not be what makes me compelling if my life were actually interesting.

So what kind of story does a person as uninteresting as me have to share?  To be honest, I don’t really know.  I could tell you a grand tale of misery and solitude, perhaps even of modest triumphs here and there, but that’s not my style.  I honestly feel that nothing in my life is worthy of a three-minute video.  I don’t even know if there’s enough in my life to make a three-minute video, other than some piece of conceptual art featuring a girl staring at a wall in silence for three minutes.  Maybe that would be interesting to the right sorts of people, but the right sorts of people would never see it because it would never be featured in the Guggenheim.  And the sorts of people who would spend two seconds watching it would be the sorts of people who get bored and don’t “get” it.  They would probably complain about it being pointless and uninteresting.  And they would probably be right.

Instead of showing you a silent film of the oh-so-exciting wall-staring pastime that is sweeping the nation, I will attempt to tell you a story.  It is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world and while she looked so sad in photographs….that’s been done before, hasn’t it?

Someone has just come up and wants to study for our drawing midterm because I was smart enough to bring the book with me.  I guess I will do that, since studying is generally a good idea, and I’ll work on this more later.

Let’s hope for the best

My hand hurts again…but that’s not what this post is about.  Well, it’s not really about anything in particular, like most of my posts…oh well.

I’ve been having a lot of trouble getting classes and things for school because I’m a “special student” aka I already have a degree, but I’m not a grad student, so I’m in limbo.  Finally, I’ve found the right people to meet with (I hope) and have appointments scheduled with them today and tomorrow.  I hope this gets everything for the rest of my time at this school figured out.  Otherwise, I might transfer to another university that seems a bit more together.  But who knows if that would really be better.

Part of the problem is that the coordinator for art ed. is new, and she didn’t know fully what her role was.  Plus, the help desk told me to contact the wrong person.  Plus, people just shuffled me to others without really helping me.  Plus, people stopped responding to my emails.  Plus, my advisor didn’t know anything.  Plus, the website’s not entirely up-to-date.  Plus, I have anxiety over things like this, like using the phone and such, so that didn’t help.  Overall, it’s been very stressful, but I’m hopeful that I’m on the right track now.  The lady I’m meeting with tomorrow seems to be knowledgeable and helpful, so that meeting should go well.

In other nonnews, I’m hanging out with my best friend since kindergarten tonight.  That’s always a fun time, and, although we now live in the same town, we don’t see each other very much, so I’m really looking forward to this.

I’d best get going now.  Need to drive to my meeting and such.

Late Again

I was late for my ceramics class this morning.  Like, an hour late.  So I didn’t really get anything done.  I do plan on going back to the studio this afternoon to do some work, since we have a project due on Wednesday, but right now I need a break.  I also need to do my special ed. work that’s due tonight.  I was late because of anxiety again.  I don’t like this.

I need to schedule an advising appointment so that I can figure out what classes to take next semester.  I have to go to the art office to do so.  I’ve never been to the art office or met my advisor before, so this experience should be full of lots of anxiety.  How fun.

Hopefully, there will be mailboxes in the art office, specifically one for chairperson who I need to sign my late drop form.  That really needs to get done.

I think I’m starting at Goodwill next week.  I should probably email the lady in charge with my idea for this week and get it approved.  Problem is, I’m not quite sure what my idea is…oops.  I think we’ll either make bird feeders or cards with stamps and paper.  The cards would be easily adapted to different abilities, so maybe I’ll do that.  They could be for Thanksgiving or happy fall or something.

Yes, I just sent Goodwill an email, and I decided that we’re making cards, if that gets approved.  The other idea I wrote about was gelatin molded bird feeders, which seems like fun, so I’ll probably do that the next week.  Then, I’ll have to decide on other projects.  I’m thinking some sort of ornament making, bead making and stringing, weaving, and paper mosaics or quilts.  Any other ideas or suggestions for these ideas are appreciated.

I don’t know what else to write.  I just want to go home, but then what would be the point of having come here?  I guess I’ll just work on my special ed. and then, hopefully, when that’s done I’ll be able to do some ceramics.  Hopefully.  ‘Cause I won’t be able to come on Tuesday since I’m working at Goodwill, so then I’d just have class Monday to make the work.  Yep, I’ll have to do something today, even though I just don’t feel like I can.