Well, that’s over

NOT!  It should be, but it’s not.  I am taking three incompletes.  I only had five classes.  And the fourth class should be an incomplete, but the teacher doesn’t care and is just giving me a grade.  So that’s nice at least.

I did finish my drawing class.  I haven’t checked yet to see what my grade is, but it should at least be a B (that’s what my midterm grade was).

As for those incompletes, I have at least 30 pages to write for various assignments.  Then, I’ll be done!  Now if only I could work on it and make progress…

In less than a week, I’ll be starting staff training at camp.  That should be fun.  I’m excited about it.  But I’m also kind of worried that I won’t feel better and won’t be able to do stuff.  But I’m already feeling better now that school stuff is figured out, so I guess that’s a good sign.

Today is the next day after I started writing this.  This morning, my grandma called.  Grandpa is in the hospital, something with his heart.  I think he will be okay, but it is a reminder that they’re getting older and won’t be around forever.

My brother has a new summer job working at a park, doing maintenance stuff.  He’s happy to be making money, but not excited that warmer weather is coming.

Also, there was devastating weather in Oklahoma yesterday.  I’m sure you’ve already heard about it, at least if you’re in the U.S.

I had a good day yesterday.  I started collaging a small box with drawers that my parents got me for Christmas.  Two sides are done.  It was fun.  I’ll probably work on it more tomorrow.

Tonight, I’m babysitting.  That should be fun.  And give me a bit of money for preparing for camp.

The ceiling fan is on.  It is shaking.  It always does that, so I guess it’s probably not going to fall down.

I’ve started playing Lost in Blue on DS again.  And some other games.  It gives me something to do.  Not that I don’t have anything to do, but it’s easy and doesn’t require a lot of effort or movement.  I just wish I knew where my DS and Pokemon game are; then, I’d play that, ’cause Pokemon is fun.

Guess I don’t really have anything else to tell you right now.  I think I’ll play some games and maybe work on my box before I go babysitting.

Not one semester

I haven’t gone one semester without issues.  Those four years for my first degree were full of problems.  Last semester, I had to drop art metals.  This semester, I’m taking an incomplete for contemporary art.  I’m tired of this.

Hopefully, I can finish all the work for the rest of my classes before Thursday.  I just have so much to do.  And I’m so bad at doing it.

At least my professors have been nice and accommodating.

Let’s see…what do I have to do?  Well, I have to finish my giant drawing (mostly just erasing and fixing stuff) and assemble my portfolio for this afternoon.  Then, for tomorrow, I have to write a reflection and email it with another reflection to my teacher.  I also have a short paper for that class due tomorrow (really, due last week).  Then, for Thursday, I have to finish making a video, take a test in which I have to explain every answer, write a paper, write another paper, and assemble a portfolio.  Should be super fun!

I don’t really even have anything to write.

Can’t I just give up now?

I have so much work to do.  I do not like it.

Yesterday, my friend messaged me on Facebook, saying she was depressed and had a bunch of work to do.  So we talked and encouraged each other and we actually got some work done.  Well, I wrote two pages in an hour, which was good, but that’s pretty much where my productivity stopped.  I still have to write at least three pages for that paper, plus a bunch of others.  I also have to make a video.  I did recording for that last night, since I couldn’t get any writing done.  That was good, I guess, but there’s so much to do.  Today, in my six hours between classes, I will try to write some papers and work on the video.  I’m already feeling super anxious, so I doubt that’s going to go well.  More likely, I’ll just sit here and not get anything done.

Right now, I am going to get something done.  I’m going to write the voiceovers for my video.  Basically, my video has two parts:  a breathing exercise to kind of give viewers a sense of what anxiety can feel like, and the video of me doing nothing while Matchbox 20’s Unwell plays.  That part, I think, will also flash statistics of mental illness, especially anxiety in kids (it’s for my education class), and have some voiceovers of me saying things that kind of give a glimpse of what I think about sometimes.  It’s sort of a performance art/public service announcement, ideally.  I’m really nervous about it because I don’t know how my classmates will receive it, but I think it will be okay and I don’t have to deal with them after this semester if I don’t choose to, probably, so that makes it a little better.

Anyway, I’m thinking of doing snippets of voice during the song, layering the audio and visual components to sort of reflect how there’s always so much going on in my mind.  I guess I’m trying to give them the feeling of being overwhelmed while not detracting from the message.  What’s the message?  I guess I’m just trying to bring awareness to mental health issues so that they can be sympathetic to students who are suffering and not make it worse.

So I’m going to type snippets now…yeah…I was also looking back through some blog entries for quotes, but I didn’t like doing that too much and it takes a while, so I think I’ll stick to this process.

I don’t know.  I just don’t know anything.  Except I do.  I know a lot.  I just feel like I don’t.

I’m stuck.  I can’t do anything.  I want to, but I can’t.  I can’t decide what to do or how to do it.  There are just too many options, too many possibilities.  I’m stuck, even when I know what to do and how to do it.  I know exactly what I want to get done, I just can’t.

I sit here for hours, doing nothing.  This is not fun.  This is not relaxing.  This is horrible.  This is painful.  This is not productive or comfortable or desirable.  This is pathetic.  I am pathetic.

I am hopelessly depressed, inexplicably anxious, and painfully aware of the ridiculousness of it all.

When I see you, my first thought is not to say hi.  It’s to hide.  To get away so that I don’t have to interact, so that I’m not expected to talk to you or look at you or have you look at me.  It’s not that I don’t like you, ’cause I do.  It’s just that it hurts me to say hello.  It’s just that I feel like I don’t know what to do and I’m afraid of doing something not right.  I’m afraid of hurting you and of you hurting me, so I avoid you.  It’s just better that way.

Well, with what I already had, that’s a page of typing.  Should be enough for snippets in my less than four minute song.

I emailed one of my professors, the one who teaches the class the video’s for, about not presenting it tomorrow, but on Thursday instead.  She said we can push it back however much I need.  So at least that’s good and I don’t have to worry about it too much.  Now, I just get to worry about it because that’s what I do.  And I can worry about everything else, because it is due (or overdue)…yay.

I already wrote this

but it wouldn’t let me post (“unauthorized”), so I copied and pasted into a new window, published, closed the tab…and then realized that it only posted the first paragraph.  Now, I get to rewrite everything.  Oh joy.

It’s okay though, because I realized my computer needs to charge and the spot next to the outlet was open, so I took advantage of that.  Now, I need to wait for it to charge so that I can go to advising and show them what classes I want to take.  I should have gone an hour ago (it’s walk-in, so I don’t have a specific appointment time), but I didn’t.  Hopefully, there isn’t too long of a line and I’m able to get through it quickly and get to my volunteering position on time.

Today, we’re going to print tulips with forks.  I found it on the internet and it’s springy and at the clients’ level, so that’s what I’m doing.  After I’m done there, I’m going home.  And then, the fun starts.  I’ll be Skyping with my cousin and some amount of her five kids for our first virtual art lesson (she homeschools, I help).  I’ve made a website and everything.  It’s going to be AWESOME!!!!!!!  I’m a little bit excited; can you tell?

It’s really sunny in this spot next to the outlet.  That makes it difficult to see the screen.  Oh well, that’s what I get for being an art major in an art building that doesn’t have a lot of outlets, I guess.  ‘Cause, you know, I totally choose my schools based on electricity accessibility.

I’ve already forgotten most of what I wrote about earlier.  Oh well.  I think I’ll record thoughts on my drive home (by talking to a recorder) and then type them up later.  I do that now.  It’s helpful for homework, I’ve discovered.  I’ve written two things that way, and it makes it way easier for me.  Who knew driving could be so productive?

I guess I’ll be done here for now.  Maybe I’ll write more later, about my application to the college of education and my interesting class discussions.  Or maybe I won’t.  I don’t know yet.

A Runny Nose

I am not feeling well.  Yesterday, I did not go to classes.  I’m feeling a bit better today, but my nose is icky and my throat hurts, especially when I yawn.

I realized I haven’t posted in 10 days, so I figured I’d post an update now.  However, there are only 15 minutes left before class begins, so it might be a bit short.  Also, I don’t really have anything in particular to write about.

Let’s see…I have homework to do…that’s pretty much all that I do.  Tonight, my educational philosophy is due.  Next week, I have my drawing midterm portfolio review and a contemporary art museum presentation.  I also have notes and things like that, field work at a high school, a video to work on, and lots of other stuff.  Should be fun.

This weekend, I’m doing the children’s sermon at my church, which I’m looking forward to.  I’m giving all the kids friendship bracelets.  I’ll also be teaching Sunday school to my preschool class.  We’re starting a new unit on creation, which I think they’ll enjoy.  That’s what we’re talking about for the rest of the school year, so I hope they like it.  The last few weeks are going to be different activity things with the whole church, but the first five will be regular classes.  This week, I think we’ll read the creation story from our story Bible and play with playdough and maybe do a game or song or something, depending on their interest levels and which kids show up.

Tomorrow, I’m going to Goodwill again.  I think we’ll do a painting of a snowstorm.  They’ll like that.  I’m still struggling to find ideas for appropriate activities for them online, but toddler sites seem to be applicable.  I think this is sad.  Adults are not children, even if they have the “same” cognitive functioning.  Also, adults with sensory issues do not generally want to be covered in paint, something many toddler activities encourage.  Plus, cleaning paint off a large adult’s feet is difficult and unnecessarily messy.  I think I may need to start a site of ideas and resources, but I don’t know that I really have the time to keep that up, or even start.  So, for now, I have a Pinterest board with a few toddler activities that might work.

Well, class is about to start, so I’ll post later.

52 and what’s new

So this is my 52nd post on this blog.  Woo hoo!  I was going to post a Yay 50 post, but I missed it.  Oh well.

I don’t really know what to write about…how about what’s new (since my lack of writing points is obviously not).

Well, let’s take a journey into the dating life of a sheep (that’s me).  Basically, it’s nonexistent.  But recently, after a fairly uneventful two years on a dating site, men have been contacting me more and actually talking to me more than once.  How intriguing.  Of course, there are those who are just stupid, but a couple seem reasonable enough.  We’ll see where this goes.  At the very least, it’s somewhat entertaining and gives me someone besides you to type to between classes.

Speaking of classes, I just did an assignment for my drawing class.  It was another self portrait that I left until the last minute (I started it this morning; it’s due this afternoon).  It’s not great, or even good, but it’s done-ish, and that’s good enough for me for now at least.  Maybe seeing other people’s drawings will give me ideas on how to finish it.  Part of the problem is that I couldn’t get very dramatic light, so I’ll have to try to fix that for next time.  The other part of the problem is I don’t like self portraits.  Guess I have to get over that.

Tomorrow, I start my fieldwork in a real life art room!  I get to take notes! Yay!  Then, Thursday, I have a paper for one of my education classes due.  I haven’t started it yet; just observation and notes.  Sense a theme of procrastination?  Noooooooo…

For that paper, I went to the mall with the 12 year old girl I started babysitting 9 years ago and one of her friends.  It was actually somewhat enjoyable, but then they’re not very dramatic kids and were on their best behavior.  We stopped in Aeropostale twice.  Apparently, it’s cool.

Then, I interviewed her and her mom for my paper.  Then, before I left, I played Skylanders on the Wii with her brother, ’cause he asked me to.  It was pretty neat.  He beat me 2/3 times.  (But that means I won once!)

I guess that’s about it for now.  S’pose I’ll try to do some homework…maybe work on that paper…

Dr. Phil, Feminism, and Hands

In two of my classes this week, we’re talking about gender and related topics.  One, an education class, is about diversity and differences in education.  The other, contemporary art, is about feminism in art, starting in the ’60s and ’70s (although we touched on earlier movements a bit, they aren’t as key in the visual arts).  Of course, this has me thinking more than I usually do about social justice.  Really, I think about it a lot, but now it’s a lot a lot.

My assignment for the education class was to make a poster about the female gender, stereotypes, expectations, etc.  With only Time, National Geographic, and a few AARPs and AAAs, I had no problem filling the posterboard with images and words cut from the pages of these admired magazines.  At first, I thought I might have a problem, because they don’t have the typical models and fashion ads and sex tips that other magazines do (Cosmo, anyone?).  Well, I worried for no reason.  They were full of plenty of images of women, though rarely in “important” roles like the men they featured.  Women, in the ads and articles, were portrayed as emotional, needy, pretty, caretakers, and, well, feminine.  Other posters from the women in the class (the men are presenting theirs tomorrow) included similar themes, along with more overt sexual images and language.  The men in the class mostly seemed to realize that this could be a problem, especially after reading some articles about girls and education.  However, one man continuously made comments about how he was “enjoying the view” and liked the posters.  I found this offensive, but he was too far away for me to say anything directly.  I think, however, that I will talk to the (female) professor and ask her to address such situations immediately in the future.  We had another comment earlier in the semester from a woman in the class, speaking about Toddlers and Tiaras, saying that the dad was “supposedly not gay” and implying that, in fact, you could tell someone was lying about their sexual orientation through a TLC show and that only gay men could encourage their daughters in beauty pageants.  This, I thought, was a bit of a problem, but everybody let it slide and the professor kept talking.  Next time, I will speak up, I think (though it’s hard for me to do with my psych issues; I’d rather just blog about it).

Oh, the hands in the title.  The professor of my art class today, after a brief discussion of feminism, asked if anyone identified themselves as being feminist.  No hands were raised.  Later, after some more explanation and a bit of a “if you’re not with us, you’re against us” attitude, everyone’s hands raised.  The most surprising part to me was that the class is all women, except for one man who, after prodding, joined the class as a feminist (even before some of the women did).

Why wouldn’t someone want to identify as a feminist?  Because the group is wrong, of course.  At least, it is according to this opinion piece on the Fox New website (which, by the way, is absolutely ridiculous).

Last night, driving home from school, the radio was on.  I was kind of listening, and an ad for Dr. Phil came on.  It was about a woman and her sister (we’ll call them A and B for clarity).  Well, A, apparently, had relationships with men.  B, apparently, liked to ruin them by having sex with the men.  Eventually, A got married.  B moved in with A and her husband.  And then B had sex with the husband.  Multiple times.  And all Dr. Phil had to say about it (at least on the ad; I didn’t watch the show) was that maybe the sisters needed some distance.  The way it was presented implied that it was all B’s fault.  What about the men?  They do tend to have control of whether or not they have sex with someone (sure, B could be a serial rapist, but that’s highly unlikely and should have been mentioned if the sex wasn’t consensual).

This brings light (though dim) to an issue that pervades our culture:  the idea that “boys will be boys” and that men have no control over their sexual practices, that it’s always the woman’s responsibility to make sure a condom is on, that rape victims are “asking for it” by what they wear (except in rare, hypothetical situations of rape fantasy, this is simply a stupid and harmful idea, at best).

That’s really a bad ending, but I don’t have anything else to say right now.  I’ll be back, though, don’t worry.  And I’ll certainly have more to say.

Less than Two

That’s how many hours I have before class starts.  I’m already at school, outside the classroom, waiting.  Why?  I had homework to do and the weather was supposed to be bad, so I came early.  Benefit?  I got a good parking space and didn’t have to walk across campus.  I also managed to do the homework.  But now I’m going to be bored.  Yesterday, I was very bored.  I started watching a documentary about dirt and then watched a few TED talks.  I also did nothing.  It was not fun.

Now, what to do with my two hours?  Well, I suppose I could do some other homework, but that wouldn’t be waiting until the last minute, and that’s just not my style.  Also, homework is boring and I can only handle so much at a time.

So I type here.  About nothing.  Yay.

I guess I could tell you about my homework.  That’s kind of like doing it, right?  Well, for this pluralism in education class, I get to make a gender collage poster thing about females.  It’s supposed to be about stereotypes, expectations, etc.  This, to me, is boring.  I don’t even have any good magazines to cut up for this project (National Geographic doesn’t have many clothing ads…or women at all).  I think it’s more interesting to show the pictures women aren’t in…the explorers, the business men, the cars…but I’m supposed to use images of women.  The guys in the class are doing posters of maleness, so I can’t infringe on their pictures, I guess.  Obviously, there’s tons of stuff online that I could use (just go to Pinterest and search “Real woman”), but then I have to print it and it’s not the same quality as the magazine images.  Maybe that will work…if my printer cooperates.  I think it may be running low on ink.

In my drawing class, our out of class assignment is a self portrait through the torso (our first was just the head/neck).  Contrary to what the syllabus says, we can be clothed, which is nice…but makes it harder to choose.  I’m not good at choosing.

Contemporary art is interesting but too short.  The readings are interesting but too long.

My other education classes are okay.  In one, I’m going to do a case study of an adolescent girl I used to babysit (now she is a babysitter), so that should be fun.  I also have to write a personal philosophy statement of 500-1000 words about good teachers.  That’s probably going to be less fun.

15.  It’s only been 15 minutes.

Okay, I’m going to go peruse the webs and watch some TED talks or something.  Maybe I’ll find something interesting to report back on.  Probably not.

Christmas, Cookies, and Cleaning

Once again, it’s been a while since my last post.  I’ve been busy.  And maybe sleepy sometimes.  The 17th was my last day at school, although I did have to drive back on Friday to pick up some art projects.  I ended up with an A, A-, and a B, so that’s pretty good, although I wonder if I should have been less honest about what I thought my grade should be in ceramics and maybe I would have gotten something higher.  Oh well.  I also could have probably gotten an A in drawing, instead of an A-, but I just didn’t have time or want to put in that much effort.  The final project was enough work.  My ceramics professor felt that my final piece was too ambiguous.  Maybe I like ambiguity and am open to interpretation.  Maybe it doesn’t matter to me whether the viewer sees a blob of fat or something playful on that child’s chair.  I’ll take some pictures at some point, I suppose, and then you can see it yourselves.

I’m cleaning my room.  Really…I can clean and type at the same time…Actually, I’ve cleaned for a few hours now and I can finally sit comfortably on my bed, so I’m taking a break.  Granted, I don’t know where to find most of my clothes right now (they’re in trash bags instead of piles until I put them away), but I did make progress…at least on my sleeping area.  My grandma is coming to our house today, and staying for a few days, so the house needs to be presentable.  She doesn’t know we live in a mess every day, and my mom wants to keep up that illusion.  Whatever.

Christmas time was pretty fun.  Last Sunday, we had our Christmas program with Sunday school, and that was exciting since I’m one of the preschool teachers.  I gave the kids little goodie bags and the presents they made for their families, and they were all really excited.  A couple of kids also gave me gifts, which is always sweet.  I went to the Goodwill party last week and got to see Santa, and it was really cool seeing how excited all the clients were to see him.  Church on Sunday was pretty empty, but was overflowing on Christmas Eve.  After church on Monday, my grandparents came to our house for dinner and Christmas rice (which is delicious) and card games and conversation.  Then, on Christmas, we opened our presents, ate cinnamon rolls, and went to their house for Christmas with them and my aunt and uncle and two of his kids.  In the late afternoon, my great-aunt visited, and we had more delicious food.  Also, I ate Grandma’s cookies.  They are the best.  She makes about 20 kinds each year (she used to do about 40, and multiple batches of each), and they’re wonderful.  I decorated the sugar cookies this year and helped make a new kind with peppermint candies and colored sugar.  I love making cookies with Grandma.

I don’t really have much else to tell you right now, so I guess I’ll get back to cleaning or something.  I hope you’re having a lovely wintertime (or summer, if you’re in that hemisphere).

Orange Juice with Mango

Really, the apple juice is best, but this will be good, too.

This morning, I made snowmen with the Goodwill participants.  We used a plastic cup and toilet paper tube to dip in paint and stamp on the paper.  Most of their pictures were more snow fort or blizzard than snowman, but they had fun and the results were pretty awesome.  I really enjoy volunteering with them.  It is something to look forward to and a reason to not sleep all day when I don’t have class.  Next week, I think we might make some fabric scrap beads or letters to hang up.  I’ll decide that later.  Oh, and they’re having a Christmas party next week and I’m invited!  And I’ll be able to be there all day next week, since my classes will be done on Monday!

Speaking of Monday and classes, I have three finals, one for each class.  That makes sense.  For ceramics, I have to bring in a couple pieces from each project set we made (six cups, two bowls, etc.), the best of the best for each category.  Everything has to be glazed by Thursday so that it can be fired in time, so that’s what I did yesterday and what I’ll be finishing tomorrow.  My final project, which had no parameters really, other than being mixed media, is a blob on a chair.  It should be fired today or sometime soon, so then it’ll be ready for me to paint.  I’ve decided to paint it instead of glazing because it will give me more time to work on it without worrying about firing.  Now, I just need to find my paint/buy some new cheap paint for it so I have enough to cover the whole blob in multiple layers and make it how I want it to be.  I’m looking forward to that.

For drawing, I’m making a collage and then drawing it to fill the giant paper.  My professor suggested I take a picture of the collage and then project it onto the paper to draw the basics.  That’ll save some time and stress, so I’m going to start the drawing of it tomorrow in class.  Today, I have to finish the collage and decide which part I want to draw.

Special ed. just has a final test, open book, so that should be easy enough.  I’m going to also do the extra credit for the class, due tomorrow, because it’s super easy and I have one grade that’s not 100% (she doesn’t seem to really grade anything other than 100% very often for anyone).

Besides schoolwork, I really need to clean.  My workspace is becoming unworkable, and my bedroom is really messy.  I guess that will come once the homework gets done.  Maybe.

I guess I should go do something “productive” now.  Maybe I’ll eat some ice cream.  Oh…I mean…do some homework.