Well, that’s over

NOT!  It should be, but it’s not.  I am taking three incompletes.  I only had five classes.  And the fourth class should be an incomplete, but the teacher doesn’t care and is just giving me a grade.  So that’s nice at least.

I did finish my drawing class.  I haven’t checked yet to see what my grade is, but it should at least be a B (that’s what my midterm grade was).

As for those incompletes, I have at least 30 pages to write for various assignments.  Then, I’ll be done!  Now if only I could work on it and make progress…

In less than a week, I’ll be starting staff training at camp.  That should be fun.  I’m excited about it.  But I’m also kind of worried that I won’t feel better and won’t be able to do stuff.  But I’m already feeling better now that school stuff is figured out, so I guess that’s a good sign.

Today is the next day after I started writing this.  This morning, my grandma called.  Grandpa is in the hospital, something with his heart.  I think he will be okay, but it is a reminder that they’re getting older and won’t be around forever.

My brother has a new summer job working at a park, doing maintenance stuff.  He’s happy to be making money, but not excited that warmer weather is coming.

Also, there was devastating weather in Oklahoma yesterday.  I’m sure you’ve already heard about it, at least if you’re in the U.S.

I had a good day yesterday.  I started collaging a small box with drawers that my parents got me for Christmas.  Two sides are done.  It was fun.  I’ll probably work on it more tomorrow.

Tonight, I’m babysitting.  That should be fun.  And give me a bit of money for preparing for camp.

The ceiling fan is on.  It is shaking.  It always does that, so I guess it’s probably not going to fall down.

I’ve started playing Lost in Blue on DS again.  And some other games.  It gives me something to do.  Not that I don’t have anything to do, but it’s easy and doesn’t require a lot of effort or movement.  I just wish I knew where my DS and Pokemon game are; then, I’d play that, ’cause Pokemon is fun.

Guess I don’t really have anything else to tell you right now.  I think I’ll play some games and maybe work on my box before I go babysitting.

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Not one semester

I haven’t gone one semester without issues.  Those four years for my first degree were full of problems.  Last semester, I had to drop art metals.  This semester, I’m taking an incomplete for contemporary art.  I’m tired of this.

Hopefully, I can finish all the work for the rest of my classes before Thursday.  I just have so much to do.  And I’m so bad at doing it.

At least my professors have been nice and accommodating.

Let’s see…what do I have to do?  Well, I have to finish my giant drawing (mostly just erasing and fixing stuff) and assemble my portfolio for this afternoon.  Then, for tomorrow, I have to write a reflection and email it with another reflection to my teacher.  I also have a short paper for that class due tomorrow (really, due last week).  Then, for Thursday, I have to finish making a video, take a test in which I have to explain every answer, write a paper, write another paper, and assemble a portfolio.  Should be super fun!

I don’t really even have anything to write.

Can’t I just give up now?

I have so much work to do.  I do not like it.

Yesterday, my friend messaged me on Facebook, saying she was depressed and had a bunch of work to do.  So we talked and encouraged each other and we actually got some work done.  Well, I wrote two pages in an hour, which was good, but that’s pretty much where my productivity stopped.  I still have to write at least three pages for that paper, plus a bunch of others.  I also have to make a video.  I did recording for that last night, since I couldn’t get any writing done.  That was good, I guess, but there’s so much to do.  Today, in my six hours between classes, I will try to write some papers and work on the video.  I’m already feeling super anxious, so I doubt that’s going to go well.  More likely, I’ll just sit here and not get anything done.

Right now, I am going to get something done.  I’m going to write the voiceovers for my video.  Basically, my video has two parts:  a breathing exercise to kind of give viewers a sense of what anxiety can feel like, and the video of me doing nothing while Matchbox 20’s Unwell plays.  That part, I think, will also flash statistics of mental illness, especially anxiety in kids (it’s for my education class), and have some voiceovers of me saying things that kind of give a glimpse of what I think about sometimes.  It’s sort of a performance art/public service announcement, ideally.  I’m really nervous about it because I don’t know how my classmates will receive it, but I think it will be okay and I don’t have to deal with them after this semester if I don’t choose to, probably, so that makes it a little better.

Anyway, I’m thinking of doing snippets of voice during the song, layering the audio and visual components to sort of reflect how there’s always so much going on in my mind.  I guess I’m trying to give them the feeling of being overwhelmed while not detracting from the message.  What’s the message?  I guess I’m just trying to bring awareness to mental health issues so that they can be sympathetic to students who are suffering and not make it worse.

So I’m going to type snippets now…yeah…I was also looking back through some blog entries for quotes, but I didn’t like doing that too much and it takes a while, so I think I’ll stick to this process.

I don’t know.  I just don’t know anything.  Except I do.  I know a lot.  I just feel like I don’t.

I’m stuck.  I can’t do anything.  I want to, but I can’t.  I can’t decide what to do or how to do it.  There are just too many options, too many possibilities.  I’m stuck, even when I know what to do and how to do it.  I know exactly what I want to get done, I just can’t.

I sit here for hours, doing nothing.  This is not fun.  This is not relaxing.  This is horrible.  This is painful.  This is not productive or comfortable or desirable.  This is pathetic.  I am pathetic.

I am hopelessly depressed, inexplicably anxious, and painfully aware of the ridiculousness of it all.

When I see you, my first thought is not to say hi.  It’s to hide.  To get away so that I don’t have to interact, so that I’m not expected to talk to you or look at you or have you look at me.  It’s not that I don’t like you, ’cause I do.  It’s just that it hurts me to say hello.  It’s just that I feel like I don’t know what to do and I’m afraid of doing something not right.  I’m afraid of hurting you and of you hurting me, so I avoid you.  It’s just better that way.

Well, with what I already had, that’s a page of typing.  Should be enough for snippets in my less than four minute song.

I emailed one of my professors, the one who teaches the class the video’s for, about not presenting it tomorrow, but on Thursday instead.  She said we can push it back however much I need.  So at least that’s good and I don’t have to worry about it too much.  Now, I just get to worry about it because that’s what I do.  And I can worry about everything else, because it is due (or overdue)…yay.

I’m so lucky

I just don’t feel it.  I know I am.  I just don’t express it.  Even if I do express it, I don’t feel it.  I feel horrible.  I feel like my life is crashing around me, even though I know it’s not.  And I can’t make it feel better.

It’s a difficult thing, having feelings and thoughts not match.  I often wonder how other people think and feel.  I know I’m not the only one to experience this, but what about those people whose thoughts and feelings match?  How do they function?  Much better than me, I suppose.  Not having to constantly remind themselves that the world is not, in fact, coming to an end.  That everyone doesn’t hate them.  To just wake up not even having to think about whether you’ll be able to make it through the day without wanting to cry for no reason.  To just wake up and not have to think about things you don’t want to think about.  It must be nice.

I had two papers due for two classes taught by the same professor yesterday.  I have a poorly written paragraph done for one.  That’s all.  I was able to write my teacher an email explaining the circumstances, and she’s agreed to accept the papers late.  Not everyone who doesn’t finish their papers get to turn them in late.  I’m lucky.  I suppose I’m happy that I have another chance, but I still feel bad.  I don’t feel relieved.

I have so much to do before the end of the semester in two weeks.  I have papers and projects and lots of stuff, plus my house is a mess and I really should clean up my stuff.  I would feel better if I did.  Maybe.  And I’d be able to work better.  Maybe.  But it’s just so hard.

I think I’m going to go to my volunteer position now.  I’ll be early, but I guess that’s better than sitting here complaining.  I don’t know what art project we’ll do today.  I have lots of ideas, so I guess I’ll see if they got any new supplies and then decide.

After volunteering, I’ll Skype with my cousins for their art lesson.  That will be good.  I like them.  Then, I’ll have to do homework, because there’s so much of it to do.  It will never be done, it seems.  I should probably just give up.  But apparently I’m not allowed to do that, according to my mother.  Giving up is not an option.  Fine.  Be that way.  See if I care.  I do care.  I care too much.  It hurts.

I guess I’ll go now.  Hopefully, I feel better later.  But probably not.  That’s just how it is.

A Runny Nose

I am not feeling well.  Yesterday, I did not go to classes.  I’m feeling a bit better today, but my nose is icky and my throat hurts, especially when I yawn.

I realized I haven’t posted in 10 days, so I figured I’d post an update now.  However, there are only 15 minutes left before class begins, so it might be a bit short.  Also, I don’t really have anything in particular to write about.

Let’s see…I have homework to do…that’s pretty much all that I do.  Tonight, my educational philosophy is due.  Next week, I have my drawing midterm portfolio review and a contemporary art museum presentation.  I also have notes and things like that, field work at a high school, a video to work on, and lots of other stuff.  Should be fun.

This weekend, I’m doing the children’s sermon at my church, which I’m looking forward to.  I’m giving all the kids friendship bracelets.  I’ll also be teaching Sunday school to my preschool class.  We’re starting a new unit on creation, which I think they’ll enjoy.  That’s what we’re talking about for the rest of the school year, so I hope they like it.  The last few weeks are going to be different activity things with the whole church, but the first five will be regular classes.  This week, I think we’ll read the creation story from our story Bible and play with playdough and maybe do a game or song or something, depending on their interest levels and which kids show up.

Tomorrow, I’m going to Goodwill again.  I think we’ll do a painting of a snowstorm.  They’ll like that.  I’m still struggling to find ideas for appropriate activities for them online, but toddler sites seem to be applicable.  I think this is sad.  Adults are not children, even if they have the “same” cognitive functioning.  Also, adults with sensory issues do not generally want to be covered in paint, something many toddler activities encourage.  Plus, cleaning paint off a large adult’s feet is difficult and unnecessarily messy.  I think I may need to start a site of ideas and resources, but I don’t know that I really have the time to keep that up, or even start.  So, for now, I have a Pinterest board with a few toddler activities that might work.

Well, class is about to start, so I’ll post later.

52 and what’s new

So this is my 52nd post on this blog.  Woo hoo!  I was going to post a Yay 50 post, but I missed it.  Oh well.

I don’t really know what to write about…how about what’s new (since my lack of writing points is obviously not).

Well, let’s take a journey into the dating life of a sheep (that’s me).  Basically, it’s nonexistent.  But recently, after a fairly uneventful two years on a dating site, men have been contacting me more and actually talking to me more than once.  How intriguing.  Of course, there are those who are just stupid, but a couple seem reasonable enough.  We’ll see where this goes.  At the very least, it’s somewhat entertaining and gives me someone besides you to type to between classes.

Speaking of classes, I just did an assignment for my drawing class.  It was another self portrait that I left until the last minute (I started it this morning; it’s due this afternoon).  It’s not great, or even good, but it’s done-ish, and that’s good enough for me for now at least.  Maybe seeing other people’s drawings will give me ideas on how to finish it.  Part of the problem is that I couldn’t get very dramatic light, so I’ll have to try to fix that for next time.  The other part of the problem is I don’t like self portraits.  Guess I have to get over that.

Tomorrow, I start my fieldwork in a real life art room!  I get to take notes! Yay!  Then, Thursday, I have a paper for one of my education classes due.  I haven’t started it yet; just observation and notes.  Sense a theme of procrastination?  Noooooooo…

For that paper, I went to the mall with the 12 year old girl I started babysitting 9 years ago and one of her friends.  It was actually somewhat enjoyable, but then they’re not very dramatic kids and were on their best behavior.  We stopped in Aeropostale twice.  Apparently, it’s cool.

Then, I interviewed her and her mom for my paper.  Then, before I left, I played Skylanders on the Wii with her brother, ’cause he asked me to.  It was pretty neat.  He beat me 2/3 times.  (But that means I won once!)

I guess that’s about it for now.  S’pose I’ll try to do some homework…maybe work on that paper…

Less than Two

That’s how many hours I have before class starts.  I’m already at school, outside the classroom, waiting.  Why?  I had homework to do and the weather was supposed to be bad, so I came early.  Benefit?  I got a good parking space and didn’t have to walk across campus.  I also managed to do the homework.  But now I’m going to be bored.  Yesterday, I was very bored.  I started watching a documentary about dirt and then watched a few TED talks.  I also did nothing.  It was not fun.

Now, what to do with my two hours?  Well, I suppose I could do some other homework, but that wouldn’t be waiting until the last minute, and that’s just not my style.  Also, homework is boring and I can only handle so much at a time.

So I type here.  About nothing.  Yay.

I guess I could tell you about my homework.  That’s kind of like doing it, right?  Well, for this pluralism in education class, I get to make a gender collage poster thing about females.  It’s supposed to be about stereotypes, expectations, etc.  This, to me, is boring.  I don’t even have any good magazines to cut up for this project (National Geographic doesn’t have many clothing ads…or women at all).  I think it’s more interesting to show the pictures women aren’t in…the explorers, the business men, the cars…but I’m supposed to use images of women.  The guys in the class are doing posters of maleness, so I can’t infringe on their pictures, I guess.  Obviously, there’s tons of stuff online that I could use (just go to Pinterest and search “Real woman”), but then I have to print it and it’s not the same quality as the magazine images.  Maybe that will work…if my printer cooperates.  I think it may be running low on ink.

In my drawing class, our out of class assignment is a self portrait through the torso (our first was just the head/neck).  Contrary to what the syllabus says, we can be clothed, which is nice…but makes it harder to choose.  I’m not good at choosing.

Contemporary art is interesting but too short.  The readings are interesting but too long.

My other education classes are okay.  In one, I’m going to do a case study of an adolescent girl I used to babysit (now she is a babysitter), so that should be fun.  I also have to write a personal philosophy statement of 500-1000 words about good teachers.  That’s probably going to be less fun.

15.  It’s only been 15 minutes.

Okay, I’m going to go peruse the webs and watch some TED talks or something.  Maybe I’ll find something interesting to report back on.  Probably not.