I didn’t go to class this morning

I was far too tired for driving to be safe, so I stayed home.  I will go to my afternoon class in about 40 minutes.

I am also feeling very anxious for no apparent reason.  Yesterday, I was feeling very depressed, almost to the point of having tears streaming down my face, which hasn’t happened in a while.  I try to do everything I’ve been taught, all the healthy coping skills and breathing exercises and what not, but it doesn’t help.  It doesn’t get better.  And I don’t like it.

My psychiatrist was in a car accident and is closing his practice so he can recover.  I have about a month of meds left, but I need to find a new doctor.  I also need a doctor to write a note or something for school so that I can substitute another class for art metals, because I am certainly not taking it again, even though it’s required for my degree.

The semester will be over soon.  Then, I will be at camp.  That should be fun.  At least, parts of it will be.  I’m not in a very hopeful mood right now, so I’m not even close to thinking that everything will be better over the summer, though I’ve certainly had those thoughts at other points in time.

Last week, I started a post, but I didn’t get very far or really say anything.  I just couldn’t decide where to start.  Some of the stuff I was going to write about was going to maybe be happyish.  Well, not today.  Oh well.

The worst part is, I don’t know why.  If I knew why, maybe I could fix it.  I do everything I’m told to do to make it feel better, but it just doesn’t work.  Sure, there are moments that are fun or happy, like when I was coloring and gardening with little kids yesterday, but it’s still there.  Always.  If I stop, just for a moment, it gets worse, and then it’s hard to restart whatever I was doing.

I’m so indecisive.  I can’t choose what clothes to wear or what to do, so sometimes I just sit on the couch half-clothed and stare and think and worry.  But, of course, I resist any suggestions anyone gives me to try to help.  Oh, you’re bored?  Why don’t you play with the dog?  Or make a Mother’s Day card?  Nope…there’s something wrong with every idea.

I am kind of hungry.  I would like some ice cream, but I don’t think there is any in the freezer.  I guess I could stop at McDonald’s or something on the way to school.  But that’s maybe too much social activity right now.  I don’t know.  I don’t know anything.

I still have 20 minutes before I need to leave, and I do have much more I could write, but I feel like nobody would want to read it anyway, so why bother.  I guess I’ll try to find something to do, like work on homework or something.  But, probably, I won’t.  And I’ll just sit here, idly clicking and refreshing tabs, hoping for something to happen or someone to talk to me.

I tried to post on Monday

but apparently something involving the internet/Safari/my computer didn’t like me.  It didn’t like me much today, either, so I’ve switched to Firefox and am posting Monday’s words along with new words for today.

Since I last wrote, I’ve actually done some stuff.  Not a lot, but some.  Let’s see…On Saturday, I hung out with my best friend, playing video games for a couple hours.  Then, I went to my camp director’s baby shower.  On Sunday, I taught Sunday school and was a little crafty.  And now it’s now and I want to sleep.  It’s chilly out and I’m bored.  I had ceramics this morning, and managed to make two sets of teapot parts, so hopefully those turn into two of the four teapots I need.  Then, I had special ed…it was pretty much the same as usual.  The girls who sit around me were annoying, and we covered a topic I was familiar with already (actually, I felt like we had talked about it before in that class, but apparently not).  And then, I *prepare your shocked faces* did two things I’ve been avoiding for weeks!  I set up an advising appointment and finally wrote a note and left my late drop form in the proper mailbox, so now, at the very least, my mom can stop bothering me about those two things for a bit.  The advising appointment is on Wednesday, for about 10 minutes.  I don’t really know how much we can cover in 10 minutes…then again, I don’t know what needs to be covered, so maybe it is enough time.

I need to go to the chiropractor.  My neck and back and hips are crackly.  I also need to get a haircut.  My hair is crackly.  Maybe I’ll do that later this week.  Maybe not.

Tomorrow, I’ll be volunteering at Goodwill.  I think we’ll make bird feeders (the kind with gelatin holding together the seed and shaped by cookie cutters).  That should be fun.  Then, I could either stay there or go to a church lady’s house and knit for a bit.  I haven’t decided yet which I’ll do.  Then, I have a doctor appointment.  My life is so exciting.

 

And now it’s Wednesday.  Let’s see…Yesterday, I got to Goodwill and asked for the supplies for the bird feeders…they didn’t have them, apparently because when they went shopping, one of the clients had a seizure, so they came back without buying anything, and they’re short staffed, so the director doesn’t have time to go shopping…this is all fine and dandy, except for the fact that she told me she was going out shopping the last time I was there, and then left…I assumed to go buy stuff.  Apparently not.  Whatever.  They’re getting new staff in the next few weeks, so after that, she said, they should be able to get the supplies and we can do the bird feeders.  So yesterday, I went into the center, totally prepared to make bird feeders.  I had my cookie cutters and even a wooden spatula thing.  Then I couldn’t do that.  So I improvised with another project I was going to do later, paper plate weaving.  They have tons of paper plates and three skeins of yarn in various colors, so that was perfect.  I prepared the plates for weaving and precut some yarn and got some people to come into the art room.  By some, I mean I was prepared to work with two at a time and they sent in four.  I worked with them and a couple other groups.  Their weavings were mostly a strand or two of yarn tied to a web framework I had made, because nobody seemed to want to do it without my help and then they said they were done.  So, for the last two people, I changed the project.  I had the notches cut in the plates and just let them layer the yarn by securing it that way and wrapping it around.  The woman who did it was impatient, but even hers was a better result than the first attempts had been because I changed the project, but the man who did it, who I know from working with him in the spring seems to like art, spent a lot of time on his piece.  He was pleased with it, it seemed, so that was a good way for me to end my time there.  Next week, since it’s almost Thanksgiving, I’m going to try to find a project that goes with that theme.  I’ve got a few ideas, so I just have to narrow it down and figure out how to make them work with the supplies they have (or reusable supplies I could bring in).

After Goodwill started lunch, I left and went to get my own lunch.  Then, I had about an hour with nothing to do.  I hadn’t brought my computer with me, so I couldn’t make use of the restaurant’s Wi-Fi, so I decided to go to WalMart and look around for a bit.  I got a couple of Christmas present ideas for my godson, but will have to check with his mom first to make sure he’ll like them and doesn’t already have them.  I also came up with some art/craft ideas for him and his four older siblings.  They’re homeschooled, and I teach them art for a couple of weeks every winter.  It’s a really great experience with awesome kids.  I try to come up with new projects that they’ll like while still learning the skills they would if they were in public school.  So far, it’s gone pretty well, and I’d like that trend to continue this year.

After my walk around WalMart, I went to the church lady’s house.  She was hosting a gathering of ladies who knit and crochet stuff for church, like baptismal gifts and prayer shawls.  All the ladies there (about 10) were considerably older than me (some of them had grandkids in my preschool class, and some of them were old enough to be my grandma).  They liked to joke about that, and I felt very welcome in their group.  I’ve started knitting a prayer shawl with some yarn I had, so I’ll be working on that again sometime soon.  I spent about two hours there, and then went to the doctor.  When I got home, I…hmmm…what did I do?…I guess I went online for a while and ate dinner and watched TV.  I also worked on my homemade gift for my camp director’s baby.  I’m cross stitching little booties for her.  I was going to felt some shoes, but that attempt didn’t turn out so well…so I gave up, for now, and went to WalMart, planning to get onesies and fabric markers…I found those, but then saw the booties for cross stitching and decided to make them instead.  So Monday afternoon, I worked on the patterns for them.  I’m making one with a hippo on the bottom and the other with some words from a hippo song we sing at camp.  Then they’ll have little hearts on the tops of the toes.  I think they’ll be cute.  I have two words done so far, and they’re looking good.  I’m going to work on them more this afternoon and tomorrow when I’m not at my other doctor appointment.

Today, I had my advising appointment.  It did not take 10 minutes.  It took about half an hour.  Apparently, my folder was completely empty and my adviser had no idea what I had already taken or needed to take or who to talk to or anything.  So I got the old checklist from the office (they apparently haven’t updated that yet, so who knows if I’m really taking the right classes or not) with the help of the nice secretary lady who works there, and we went through my unofficial transcript together (luckily I had it on my computer already) and determined that I probably only have four more art classes to take.  He knows nothing about the education plan, so I need to find someone to talk to about that.  I also need to register for classes, but I don’t know which to register for because I don’t know what I need or which classes I’ve already taken count for my gen eds and such, or if I need any gen eds, or anything, really.  It’s a bit frustrating.  Also, apparently metals is required for my major (which, I now remember, is why I signed up for it in the first place).  So I guess I’ll have to try that again.  At least I’ve already established a relationship with the teacher, so hopefully something can be worked out when I do take it.  I’m also going to try to get accommodations through the disability services stuff, but I don’t really know what they can do about that class, since soldering is kind of a huge portion of the work.

This weekend, I’ll be working at camp, so I’m super excited for that.  I’ll do arts and crafts, but I don’t know what kind of project I’ll do yet.  I should probably come up with something.

Well, that was a lot of words.  I think I’ll be done now.  Time to cross stitch and eat and maybe even do some homework.

Early

I had to get up early today so that I could get to school early so that I could unwrap a clay cup and wait for it to dry.  My life is so exciting.

On my way to school, I missed my exit and had to drive at least 10 extra minutes to get back to where I needed to be.  Oh the horror.

An update on ceramics, because you really do care oh so much:  I carved four of the teacups I needed and they’re not too ugly.  I carved a hole into one, so I had to throw a new one (that’s the one that isn’t dry yet).  Once it’s ready, I have to trim it and carve the foot and then carve the body to match the others.  I spent hours trying to make satisfactorily hand built teacups, but they were all ugly or fell apart or both or something else, so I gave up on Saturday and went home.  I took clay home with me and yesterday, instead of driving to school, stayed home and managed to make five pinch pot teacup things with the help of custard bowls.  They aren’t too bad.  So that assignment’s almost done, which is good ’cause it’s due in half an hour.  I probably won’t have that last cup done because it’s still too wet to trim and there’s just not enough time to finish it before class starts, but at least I have most of it done and can probably finish that one cup today.  We will probably be having demos for teapot making today, too, so that’ll take some time, and we’re unloading our first glaze kiln probably, so that’ll take some more time.  Maybe I won’t actually finish that cup in class, but probably this afternoon.  Maybe.

The art department chairperson still hasn’t emailed me back telling me where her mailbox is, so I guess I’ll just have to go to her office this evening and hope she’s there at the time she told me she could possibly meet me.  I need to get those forms signed before they decide I’ve taken too long and try to make me keep the class and get an F.  That wouldn’t be the best way to start at this new school, and I have a legitimate reason to drop.

If anybody reading this (if anyone has read this far) is an expert paper pop-up maker or something like that, I could use your help.  For my drawing class, I’m making a pop up page of an ancient Greek statue hitchhiking on a modern countryside.  Yeah, it’s weird, but those were the words I ended up with.  So what I need help with is making the illusion of depth beyond the flat pieces popping out.  I just can’t seem to get it to be satisfactory in my mini models.  I have class tonight, work time tomorrow, and critique on Wednesday, so I need to get this figured out soon because I haven’t started drawing the pieces or background yet (because I don’t know how big they should be or what they should look like.

There’s nothing to report going on in my special ed. class.  I’m going to try to talk to the teacher today about the test questions I don’t understand.  I was going to do that last week, but she seemed busy and we only had class one day.  I was also going to print the email I sent her for reference, but I forgot, so I guess I’ll just have to use my computer to access it and get the specifics, ’cause I certainly don’t remember anymore.

I still have about 15 minutes before I need to head to class.  I would go now, but there’s already a class in there working, and I don’t have anything to do in the studio (I’m pretty sure the cup won’t be ready, and even if it is, there’s not enough time to finish it).  Oh well, guess I’ll stay here on the computer.

Also in the realm of helping me, if you have any ideas for crafts/art projects to do with adults with (mostly cognitive and some physical) disabilities, or know where I could find a good source or two with ideas, please let me know.  It’s not that I don’t have ideas of my own, but I’m always looking for more and better.

Surprisingly, for getting up around 6am, I’m not too tired.  I know, 6 isn’t really that early, but I still don’t like it. I’d rather get up at 8 or 9…or noon…

I have a few posts saved as drafts that I think will be actually interesting and informative, not just telling of my exciting waits for clay to dry, but they’re long…and I keep losing attention and/or getting overwhelmed by them.  I’m worried that they’ll lose their interest and meaning because the timeliness of them will be ruined by me taking so long to finish and post.  Oh well.  That worry’s not going to change anything; I just thought you’d like to know.

I suppose I can start packing up and heading to class now, so I guess I’ll publish this.  Since I did this post this morning, maybe I’ll work on one or more of those in progress posts this afternoon.  Or not.  I’ll see.  And you may, too, eventually.

Six Minutes

In six minutes, I am going to get off this couch and then start working.  I am at school.  I was supposed to be here this morning, but that didn’t happen.  So now I have all afternoon and evening to work on ceramics.  Obviously, I’m quite eager to do that.  Can’t you tell by my typing?

Yesterday, I managed to trim the feet of 10 teacups, so those are good.  Five of them need to be carved, or I need to throw more and carve them, so that the carving is an integral part of their design.  I also need to hand build five, with slab or coil or pinch or whatever.  It’s not that I don’t like working with clay, I just am a bit tired of this work.  We’ve made cups and bowls and plates and things, but I like making more sculptural work.  Maybe I would, but most of this time has been learning the techniques for me, which is important, but the schedule of things being done every week is different than it was at my last school.  I think it actually works better, it’s just not optimal for procrastinating, which is something I’m very good at.

One minute.  Yeah, maybe that’s not going to happen.

Oh look, it’s time for me to get up.  Maybe if I just wait a little longer…but no, I should work.  But I have hours before I have to leave…10 more minutes won’t hurt…right?

I got here about half an hour ago, but I didn’t start working right away because I was hungry and decided to eat lunch.  Now, lunch is done and I’m just…avoiding…good job

In ceramics, our next project is a teapot.  This requires making pieces that fit together.  I’ve never done that, so it should be interesting…and difficult…and ugly…yay

I did email the chair of the art department, and she told me to put the sheet for her signature in her mailbox.  I would, but I don’t know where her mailbox is.  I don’t know where any mailboxes are.  Hopefully, she responds soon and tells me so that I can get that taken care of.

I also emailed the lady in charge of the Goodwill center I volunteered at in the spring, and she said I could come back to do art with the clients once a week starting in November, so I’m looking forward to that.  I just have to come up with some activities and get them approved by her.  That should be good.  It will give me something to do besides sleep and homework.

I also am going to try to start counseling again.  I’m not sure if the therapist I worked with last has appointments available when I’m free, but I hope so, because I really liked her and was able to make some progress.  Maybe that would help me feel better…

Well, now that I’ve spent almost 40 minutes longer than I was planning not doing ceramics (also not just doing this), I think it’s about time I try to be productive.  Yes, that sounds like a plan.

Is it nap time yet?

Maybe it is, but there’s nowhere for me to sleep right now.  I am tired.  I slept all day yesterday, except for maybe six hours total, and four of those were only because I had decided to hang out with my friend weeks ago and this was the first time we were able to.  Now, I’m at school, and I want to be at home, sleeping.  But I can’t go home now; I have to stay and work on ceramics.  15 teacups are due on Monday, and I don’t have any done yet.  I will most likely need to come in this weekend to work, too, but I’d rather get the most done that I can today.  I also have a pop-up thing to make for my drawing class.  It’s due Wednesday, but I want to get a lot of it done this weekend, but I will be able to do it in class Monday and at home Tuesday.  Plus, I have my normal chapter notes to do for special ed. that are due tonight.  And I have to get signatures for dropping my art metals class.  I have the teacher’s, but I need to get one from the chair of the department before taking the sheet to the dean’s office, and nobody’s in the chair’s office when I check.  I would check now, but I’m tired and semi comfortable, so I don’t think I will.  Later.  Maybe.

Soooooooooooo tired.

There was something else I was going to write about.  What was it?

I really don’t remember.  I just want to sleep.  Why am I so tired?  Maybe I’m depressed.  Well, of course I am.  Maybe I’m low on iron.  Probably.  Maybe I’m just a sleepy person.  Maybe I got into bad sleeping habits.  Sleep is just so nice.

On…Wednesday, maybe, I transferred my Multiply blogs (including my transfer of 360 blogs) to Blogger.  I have to go through and add the photos and such, but that shouldn’t take too long…only 400 some posts…

Okay, I really don’t know what to write, so I’m going to stop trying.  Maybe I’ll go back to ceramics…or maybe I’ll do that later…or maybe I’ll just go home…that would be a poor choice…hmmmm

This is stupid

I got up on time today, started getting ready, and then gave in and “rested” for over an hour, making me late for my first class.  In fact, I got to school with less than an hour of class left and couldn’t bring myself to actually go into class late again, so I didn’t.  Now, I’m sitting here, typing.  Good choice.  I’m allowed to miss three days, this is one.  Plus, three late days equal one missed day.  Well, I’ve been late at least three times in the past week or so, and only one was for a somewhat legitimate reason (a car accident, very minor, but taking up time).  The other late days were because of anxiety and “resting” that I shouldn’t have done.  Granted, it’s probably safer for me to drive after resting than when I’m super anxious, but still.  I’m making a bad habit of being late, and it has to stop.  I’ve decided to change the order of my getting ready so that, hopefully, it’s less suited to resting and gets me to class on time, but I’m not convinced that’s going to work.  Now that I have two days without a class (since I dropped metals…still have to get that paperwork done), I really only have to get up three days a week to go to class, so maybe somehow that will help.  Or at least not having the added stress of metals will help.  I don’t know, but I hope so.

I think I’ve mentioned, in my special education class, we had an online test that was 15 multiple choice questions.  Well, I took it.  First of all, my teacher needs to learn how to check her questions, because some were horribly written and some were on sections of the book we haven’t gone over yet.  I have a 100% on all the assignments for the class, ’cause it’s easy.  This test was an open book, so it should have been easy, too.  And it was, except for the places where she screwed up the wording.  Anyway, I got two questions wrong.  No big deal, except it tells you which answers are correct and I don’t get why they’re right and mine are wrong.  So I emailed the professor, with the questions, answers, why I was confused, and very simple questions for her to answer.  It would have taken her no more than five minutes (assuming she actually knows the answers) to answer my email properly.  What did she do instead?  Totally ignore my questions and simply respond, “I would be happy to discuss this during my office hours.”  Well, that’s lovely, but it’s not what I was looking for.  It actually makes me think, in my slightly paranoid way, that she’s trying to intimidate me to make herself seem more right.  Well, that’s not going to work.  Although I do have social anxiety (which she doesn’t know about), I’m not going to let her get away with poorly written questions and wrong answers on something that affects my grade.  I would have greatly preferred her simply responding to my email with the pages on which the answers could be found or telling me why I was wrong, but now I’ll have to go talk to her.  Oh well.  Guess I should probably check when her office hours are…Alright, the syllabus says she’ll talk after class today, so I’ll catch her then, I guess.  Provided there aren’t a million other people also trying to talk to her about the test…

Why does this room smell oddly of gasoline?  This is strange.  I wonder if anyone else notices.

Well, that smell is gone, replaced by a burnt something.  How reassuring.

I don’t know what else to write, so I guess I’ll be doing something else now.  Maybe I’ll write to the Goodwill center I used to volunteer at and see if I could go again, now that I have days without classes.  Yes, that sounds like a plan.

That’s one less thing to worry about

I guess.  In light of my lack of ability to use the torch in metals class, and after a conversation with my teacher after the project I failed to produce was due, I’ve decided to drop the class.  She convinced me that the extra anxiety was unnecessary, that life is too short to spend it doing things that make us suffer.  I’m not sure I’m convinced entirely, but I am withdrawing from the class.  Now I just have to get all the paperwork done and signatures I need and everything (it’s after the “final” drop date, so I need special permission and a good reason).  I’ve also gone to the office that deals with accommodations for students with disabilities and gotten paperwork to fill out to start receiving their services and be documented at this university so that I hopefully don’t have trouble dealing with anxiety in classes again.  I don’t really think there’s much they can do to help me, but we’ll see.

In ceramics, I have two weeks to make 18 teacups without handles, aka teabowls.  They have to be made in different ways and with different clays, so it’s not quite as simple as you might think it would be, especially considering I’m not very good at consistency.  I’ll certainly try, though.  Also, I’ve begun adding surface treatments to the pieces I’ve had bisque fired.  So far, that just means I used some cobalt wash on some cups and almost finished a pitcher before I decided that it was ugly and needed to be washed off.

I’m starting a new project in drawing today, but I have no idea what it is.  All the professor’s told us is that we’re using colored pencils.  Well good.  I’m glad I spent $30 on the crayons he demanded we buy for that one week we used them.  Totally worth it.  I mean, I’ll use them again, but some of the people in my class certainly won’t.  And, of course, it had to be that particular brand, because regular pastels are too…wrong.

I have an online midterm for my special education class.  It’s open book, timed for one hour, 15 multiple choice and true/false questions.  I think I can handle this.  In fact, I’d be doing it right now, but it’s no open yet…which is why I’m here, I guess.

I don’t really have anything to tell you.