I didn’t go to class this morning

I was far too tired for driving to be safe, so I stayed home.  I will go to my afternoon class in about 40 minutes.

I am also feeling very anxious for no apparent reason.  Yesterday, I was feeling very depressed, almost to the point of having tears streaming down my face, which hasn’t happened in a while.  I try to do everything I’ve been taught, all the healthy coping skills and breathing exercises and what not, but it doesn’t help.  It doesn’t get better.  And I don’t like it.

My psychiatrist was in a car accident and is closing his practice so he can recover.  I have about a month of meds left, but I need to find a new doctor.  I also need a doctor to write a note or something for school so that I can substitute another class for art metals, because I am certainly not taking it again, even though it’s required for my degree.

The semester will be over soon.  Then, I will be at camp.  That should be fun.  At least, parts of it will be.  I’m not in a very hopeful mood right now, so I’m not even close to thinking that everything will be better over the summer, though I’ve certainly had those thoughts at other points in time.

Last week, I started a post, but I didn’t get very far or really say anything.  I just couldn’t decide where to start.  Some of the stuff I was going to write about was going to maybe be happyish.  Well, not today.  Oh well.

The worst part is, I don’t know why.  If I knew why, maybe I could fix it.  I do everything I’m told to do to make it feel better, but it just doesn’t work.  Sure, there are moments that are fun or happy, like when I was coloring and gardening with little kids yesterday, but it’s still there.  Always.  If I stop, just for a moment, it gets worse, and then it’s hard to restart whatever I was doing.

I’m so indecisive.  I can’t choose what clothes to wear or what to do, so sometimes I just sit on the couch half-clothed and stare and think and worry.  But, of course, I resist any suggestions anyone gives me to try to help.  Oh, you’re bored?  Why don’t you play with the dog?  Or make a Mother’s Day card?  Nope…there’s something wrong with every idea.

I am kind of hungry.  I would like some ice cream, but I don’t think there is any in the freezer.  I guess I could stop at McDonald’s or something on the way to school.  But that’s maybe too much social activity right now.  I don’t know.  I don’t know anything.

I still have 20 minutes before I need to leave, and I do have much more I could write, but I feel like nobody would want to read it anyway, so why bother.  I guess I’ll try to find something to do, like work on homework or something.  But, probably, I won’t.  And I’ll just sit here, idly clicking and refreshing tabs, hoping for something to happen or someone to talk to me.

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2 responses to “I didn’t go to class this morning

  1. You sound a lot like me at the moment. “pockets of happiness” is what I like to call it. You realize you’re very capable of having fun and laughing but once the fun is over, the feelings of sadness come right back.
    And it is so frustrating when you feel you’re doing the right things and seeing little or no results. You’re not alone in that.

    I hope everything goes well for you with finding a psychiatrist and getting your class sorted out for school.

    • Exactly.
      One of the parts of it I dislike the most is that it affects my memory. When I’m sad, it’s so hard to even remember what happy feels like. Sometimes, I’m not convinced I’m ever happy or having fun.
      Thanks ❤

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