Anxiety is the spice of life

Right?  Well, no, but…nope, can’t even pretend.  I was late for class this morning because, after I got up and started getting ready, I was feeling very anxious and decided to “rest for a few minutes”…a few minutes turned into almost an hour, and it wasn’t even restful.  I do not like this.  The anxiety I had was a carry over from yesterday and worry about today, plus just general anxiety about nothing in particular.  You see, in my art metals class, I have two projects due on Tuesday.  We’re not allowed in the studio on the weekends, so that leaves this afternoon and part of Monday afternoon (and possibly Tuesday morning for a bit, but not enough to count on) to finish.  I worked for four hours yesterday trying to cut a fish shape out of brass to fit inside the same shape cut out of copper.  I just could not get it to fit.  Besides this being quite frustrating, I’m terrified of what I have to do next, besides finishing the fish-cutting:  I have to solder.  As I’ve mentioned before, soldering (and annealing, which I also have to do) requires the use of an open flame, a torch that I will hold and control.  I do not like hot things; not campfires, not ovens, not hair dryers, and certainly not torches.  I have been putting this off for the past month, not working in the most efficient ways because I was avoiding the flame.  Well, I’m past the point of avoiding now, and I didn’t even ask anybody for help, so it’s all up to me, today, to start/finish the work.  I’m going to start with annealing and see how that goes, since it shouldn’t take too long and doesn’t require as much control and directing of the flame to draw the solder around the seams.  But I’ll still have to solder today.  Yay.  Honestly, I am so scared, and, if I could drop the class without it showing on my transcript, I probably would.  But it’s past that point and I just have to get through this or fail, and I really don’t feel like failing one of my first classes at this school.  Plus, it’s something I should know how to do in case I ever need to teach it or want to use it in my own work, and I really want to work on getting over/through this fear.  In my last art metals class (which I dropped when we got to soldering), I did handle the torch and solder a bit, but I was scared then and don’t really remember any of it.  So it’s like I’m doing this for the first time.  And it’s scary.  Very, very scary.

I also have two writing assignments to do for my special education class that are due at midnight tonight.  I was going to do them yesterday after I left metals, but I was still quite anxious and couldn’t concentrate, so I didn’t.  That means I have to fit those assignments in today, too.  The metals studio closes at 9pm, so I could have an hour or two to do the assignments tonight (if I stay in metals all day), but I don’t know if that’s enough time, if I’ll be too anxious, or if I’ll be too tired to do the work then.  So I should do that this afternoon, maybe as a break from metals, like while my soldered and annealed copper is in the pickle solution (to clean it after touching fire).  Or maybe I should do it now and avoid the flame a little longer.  After all, it’s already past the time I was planning on being in the studio, so what’s another hour or two away?  Actually, I wasn’t going to be in the studio until about now, but my class ended early, so I’ve been ready to go to the studio for an hour or so.  Except I’m not at all ready…but I can’t wait until I am, because that time will probably never come.  So here I am, sitting on my computer and trying to type through my feelings to…what?  make it easier to go and do the work I need to do?  I don’t think that’s going to happen, but maybe that’s my hope.  I don’t know.


Well, I just spent an hour and a half on the internets, mostly Yahoo Answers, answering questions, which is odd because I haven’t done that this much in about six years.  I must really be trying to avoid something.  Now that I’ve closed that tab, I guess I’ll start packing up and go confront the art metals room…Yay…

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