Some people are not meant to have teal hair

Like the guy who just walked past.  I realize I’m in the art department and lots of people have unnaturally colored hair, but it looks better on some people than others.  Or maybe teal is just too green for some skin tones.  I don’t know.

My class ended an hour ago.  I had lunch and now should be working on my drawing that’s due tomorrow.  (It’s now due at the end of class and the other is due on Monday, so yay.)  However, I obviously am typing, not drawing.  Why is this?  Well, I went online while eating my lunch and now am a bit anxious for no apparent reason and don’t want to go get my drawing stuff and go to that studio.  I would like to just go home, but I’m drawing from a still life, which kind of requires me being in the same room as the set up.  I could probably finish it in class tomorrow if I really try, but the teacher (and me) will be disappointed if I don’t go in today and make some sort of effort.  On the plus side of drawing, I know what I’m doing for the second piece; I am doing a picture of my friend made up of layered cupcake images.  So that’s gonna be a project, but at least it’s not due tomorrow.  We’re also going to have a smaller project over the weekend, with conté crayon, so I should probably get me some of those soon.  Too bad the store on the way home doesn’t have them.  I think I’ll order them online, where they’re cheaper. I also need to get colored pencils.  I already have some, but they’re not Prismacolor, which is what the professor wants, so it’s time to buy new.  Being an art student is expensive.

In my art metals class, we had a series of soldering demos.  It’s really brazing, but we’ll call it soldering ’cause you know what that is and it’s the commoner term for it.  This requires a really hot flame.  I have an aversion to hot things–I don’t even like hair dryers or ovens–so this should be interesting.  I’m really afraid of fire.  Also sharp things, like the saw blades that cut the metal, but I’m kind of over that and it’s less scary, as long as I wear safety glasses.  I took an art metals course before but had to withdraw from it because it made me too anxious and I got behind and the teacher didn’t understand.  Hopefully this semester goes better.

In ceramics, our new assignment is to make large bowls.  This requires using a lot more clay on the wheel than I have before, so I’m not too sure it’s going to go well.  At least bowls don’t have handles.

I guess I really don’t have anything meaningful or important to write; I’m just avoiding work and trying to reduce my anxiety a bit so that I maybe can get work done.  Part of the drawing is complete, but it’s the precise things that people will know if they’re off that I’ve been avoiding adding detail and value to, like the weird skull, architectural piece, and even a simple metal can.  I just don’t want to ruin the picture, but leaving it unfinished isn’t really a good option, either.

I was going to put a picture of a turtle here, but then I realized I’d already shown it to you.  How silly of me.

Instead, here’s a little monkey creature.  They move very quickly.  You can’t see it here, but there was another one who came and took a bite out of this one’s food.  It was funny.

I really need to be working on my drawing or at least doing something, but I’m not and it makes me feel worse.  The just do it, you might say.  If only it were that simple.  I can’t just do it and I don’t know why.  It’s irrational and deeply ingrained, this avoidance and fear, and I don’t know how to get over it.  I just don’t know.

Maybe I could just come in early tomorrow to work on the drawing.  But that’s not going to happen–my first class starts at 10, and I don’t want to have to get here way before that to set up, work, and clean up, plus driving time and breakfast.  I have hours in the afternoon that I could use to work on it, except there’s another class in the room then, and they’re using the same still life and seats we are, and I’m not supposed to disrupt them.  So really, the best time to do it is now.  But I’m not doing it.  Maybe there’s some small part I can work on at home so when I come in to class tomorrow it will look like I did work.  But then I’ll be leaving a lot of it go for finishing in class, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to finish because I’ve been working pretty slowly on it.  Really, I need to do it now.  NOW.  But I’m a tad hungry now; maybe I should eat my sandwich first.  Then will I draw?

No, I’ll probably just keep sitting here, typing.

Okay, I’m going to eat my sandwich and then go to the car.  When I get to the car, I will try to get out my drawing stuff and walk back to the building and go up to the studio and set up and draw for at least 30 minutes.  That is my goal.  But I don’t know what to draw.  I mean, obviously I need to draw the objects in the still life, but I don’t know where to begin or what to do.  Beginning is always hard.  So is ending, which this stage is, too.  And the middle.  I don’t like being stuck in the middle, either.  So, basically, every part of any process is difficult for me, whether I’m just starting it for the first time or almost done for the millionth or somewhere in between.

This whole nowhere to nap thing is inconvenient.  That’s one problem that’s solved by living in the dorms.  It was so convenient to go back to my room and take naps between classes.  Not to mention I didn’t have to carry everything around with me and situations like I’m in now weren’t nearly as bad because I could easily walk back to the studio whenever and not worry about driving.  It would probably even be okay if I were living in the same area as school, but I’m not, so I pretty much have to stay once I’m here until I’m ready to go home.

My sandwich is gone.  I guess it’s time to pack up and walk out to the car now.

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